What's that all about?

And another !

2007-12-07T03:44:00.000-08:00

Mum's make us boys fat

2007-11-29T05:36:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, you just can't win. Like the other night, I've gone to the match with my brother, had a burger, beer etc etc.

Anyway, we get home and brother is making a chicken burger. He asks if I want one, I politely decline and that's the end of that ....... you'd have thought. Enter "Mum"

Mum: Not having anything to eat?

Me: No thanks

Mum: Quick snack?

Me: No, I'm fine, really, thanks

Mum: how about a sandwich?

Me: Seriously, I'm fine.

Mum: I have some ham ??

Me: Honest mum I don't want anything.

Mum: But I forgot your brother was off work and started to make his lunch. I've already buttered some rolls

Me: Mum, please - I DON'T WANT a sandwich

[30 second pause]

Mum: Bit of cheese?

Me: For God's sake, that's it, you've won I'll have a bloody sandwich!

and if it couldn't get any worse.......

Brother: What's wrong with my chicken burgers??!!??

Tribute to Fergie

2007-11-19T02:20:00.000-08:00

Morning Toast fans

You may or may not know this, but last yeat my best friend decided to buy me a hamster for my birthday. Not that I wanted a pet or anything, but, and I quote, "because it will do my head in."

And so - Fergie was born. (named after that should-be royal, Alex).

Cutting to the chase, shed died last weekend. I now feel slightly guilty about the fact that I once managed to boot her hamster ball accross the kitchen floor (when she was in it.) And before you all go RSPCA on me - it was an accident.

I also feel a tad guilty about dropping her that time and she didn't move for a whole minute.

So what to do? After this very generous present (costing me about £200 in cage upgrades, food, bedding, toys etc. - cheers Jonny), I'm suddenly left with this hole in my life. How do I fill it?

Like a plum I go and buy another. Now I need your help. What to call her (yes, she's a she).

So far the only name I've got is "little sod" as that's what I shouted when she bit me.

I look forward to your comments.....

Oh My God

2005-12-15T09:06:00.000-08:00

Worse still ...

Urrrrgh

New Tory Leader ...

2005-12-15T09:02:00.000-08:00

I've been away for a while and when I come back there's a nwe tory leader. So I'm surfing the Internet and what do I find?

You can find it at www.sunosam.co.uk

Something your not telling me ?

Hotel bathrooms. ...

2005-10-05T02:05:00.000-07:00

So I’ve been away and stayed in a hotel as you do. The other day, I took a shower and subsequently attempted to dry myself on one of the hotel towels. As the towel scraped 10 layers of skin off me I realised that I needn’t have showered at all. This towel was like industrial sandpaper and was capable of removing not only dirt and grime, but skin, flesh and bone as well.

So why do hotels give you shitty white rock hard sandpaper stylee towels?? It’s because of those bastards that nick them that’s why. They make them deliberately rubbish as a deterrent. Also, may I add, they now make them slightly too small. And they ensure that you can’t nick the hand towel by deliberately designing the shower to piss all over the floor so you have to use it to mop up the lake of semi-warm water that oozes out.

The moral of this story is simple. People – please stop nicking hotel towels

And why do they make them white ?? Nobody, and I mean Nobody wants to see the suspect little mark that’s left after drying your complete self. If there’s one piece of advice that I can give, it’s never, NEVER sniff the suspect mark.

Now that I have a tenuous link to toilet, hotel toilet paper is a wonder to mankind. It’s so thin ! And yet it also has the texture of rubble. It’s like trying to wipe your bum on a broken glass bottle, it’s like… it’s like.. Badgers Arse !! ….

Got to nip out .....

2005-09-23T08:12:00.000-07:00

I'm off to toaster in some other country for a week. I'll be back sometime the following week so if you like, keep your questions coming. if you can't be arsed, then read some of my previous posts. They still make me laugh.

And don't despair, I'll soon be back with more wit, more comedy and more taking the p*ss out of Pedro (bless him)

See ya

TOASTER

Question time (cont.) IIII

2005-09-23T05:52:00.000-07:00

Question from Ped

My question is - as you've removed scouseville and part of wales where would you relocate the people - and as they're dead clever and funny wouldn't they all head to oxbridge?

I've thought about this. The welsh part of the solution is simple. They are mostly sheep. As winter is coming up tehre will be a rise in demand for jumpers and I reckon the traditional Christmas bird should be lamb anyway.

And no part of the country is going to willingly welcome -en-mass, a bunch of pikey bin dippers. So what we have to do is filter them throughout the comunnity. "Thin them out" so to speak. The concept of "job" will be new to most of them but we can give them "jobs" that benefit both us and them.

So if you ever lock your keys in the car .. never fear... Mickey mouser the honest scouser will sort you out. ! small screw driver and a wirecoathanger later and the door of your car will be open - scratch free.

Need new hub caps? Bob "Avoid the Bizzies" Maresey can you get you nearly new ones for a pint and 20 B&H

As for the rest of them, it seems you end up being a pundit on BBC sport.

"Dem liverpool like, dey play good footbal don't dey"
"Dey doo"
"Dey do doh don't dey don't"

Question time (cont.) III

2005-09-21T05:40:00.000-07:00

Question from Ped:

Even though the ashes have been won - does this excuse it for being a toffee nosed crap boring game? (not a sport)

I’m not afraid to say it. I jumped on the Ashes band wagon. I have an Aussie mate (G’day Nick) so beating Australia was the dogs b*llocks.

And all this “I don’t like cricket – it’s not a sport” from Pedders is a load of rubbish. He’s lying so much his pants are on fire. Rumour has it that he was recently spotted at a locall cricket game. I investigated this …

Question time (cont.) II

2005-09-21T03:49:00.000-07:00

Question from Ped:

If you were a weatherman (not unlike John Kettley) and you knew there was a hurricane coming bigger than Katrina, but you could somehow direct it to either Liverpool or Newcastle - which one would you choose and why?

Doesn’t John Kettley look suspiciously scouse. Hmmmm.

Look...

A terrible thing. Comlpete loss of control by the police. robbery, looting, sewage, burnt out cars. I reckon that a big hurricane might clean Liverpool up a bit actually.

There’s no competition really. Newcastle is so far up there it’s practically Scotland so best ignored. I heard that they are dropping the “United” from the name of their football team and replacing it with “Nil” That’ll make “Final Result” much easier on Grandstand.

So the winner is Liverpool. The city with the laxative accent. (it irritates the sh*t out of you.) The City where “pay and display” means that you give the snotty nose kids in safeways car park a quid to “mind your car mister.” The city where the only bloke in a 3 bedroomed semi is a burglar.

I’m on a roll now….

Q: What’s the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night?
A: What you looking at

Also, while I was at it, I thought I’d get rid of North Wales as well.

Question time (cont.)

2005-09-20T05:10:00.000-07:00

Question from Ped:

Why does fergie keep playing Roy Keane when he needs a zimmer to get about?

First of all, I'd like to thank Pedro for the very imaginitive question. It must have taken you ages to think that one up. And how am i supposed to answer that really? Well, I phoned Alex himself. Here's the transcript.

[Phone] Ring Ring ....

[Toaster] Hello Alex
[Fergie] Och Aye Toaster. (yep - he knows me)
[Toaster] I've a question from one of my fans; Why ....
[Fergie] I'm no gonneee talk boudit
[toaster] but you haven't heard the ...
[Fergie] i said I'm no gonneee talk boudit so you can Mcprint that in your Mcpapers tomorrow

Oh well straight from the horses mouth and all that...

[Phone] Ring Ring ....

[Toaster] Hello Roy
[Keano] How about ya toaster. So it is, to be sure.
[Toaster] I've a question from one of my fans; Why do you think Fergie keeps playing you?
[Keano] Be Jayzus. For the love of all the little leprechauns.
[Toaster] Is it because you still have that die hard desire to achieve?
[Keano] Tis not. But oi be doing dat.
[Toaster] Is it because your sheer presence on the pitch inspires the youth around you?
[Fergie] Tis not. But oi be doing dat aswell
[Toaster] So go on Roy - what's the secret?
[Keano] Tis cause o'the goal oi scored against Juventus in the nionty noin champions league so it is. So Pedro, you can shove it up your arse.

Blimey !

Question time

2005-09-16T03:53:00.000-07:00

From PJ ...

Two questions:1) Where have you been al this time, darkest Peru?2) Do you know where Pedders got his wig from? I think he deserves a full refund.

I think you deserve to know. I've been in hiding. The popularity of my blog meant that I got some unwelcome attention. You know the kind, heavy breathing down the phone, following me around everywhere, standing naked in my garden etc. in the end I had to say "Pedders - enough is enough!!"

Then he started turning up "in disguise." At first he though he could fool me by heavy breathing down the phone whilst wearing his sunglasses. Apparantly now though he's making more of an effort and hence he's donned the wig. I think he got it from Liverpool. "Got" is such a loose word. When I say "got" I mean "acquired" or basically "nicked". So NO refund for you mi laddo.

Looking sharp though isn't he ....

Happy Anniversary !!

2005-09-14T08:01:00.000-07:00

So it's a year since I started all this and I'm thinking - "I still haven't finished doing all the jobs in the kitchen that I didn't finish while I was writing all this stuff a year ago."

So the other day I go to B&Q and I'm remembering the trouble I had finding a f*cking barbequeue last year. And do you know WHY I am remembering that.

Because the place is FULL of bloody barbequeues. Big ones, small ones, gas ones, coal ones, square ones, round ones, deep ones, wide ones. Every type of barbequeue you could think of. What's happened? This time last year I was told by a smug get of a store assistant that "summer is over" and "we don't have bbqs in our winter stock"

it's becasue I don't want one now - thats what it is. The world is mocking me. Well, I can take it. i don't mind being mocked. I even allow a small contingent of gay people to read my blog. Don't I Pedders.

Anyway, as I'm back and its been a while, lets start the ball rolling with an interview with a difference. You can interview me! It's an open forum, you post your questions here as comments and I'll blummin well answer them....

Away you go, its An Audience with Toaster II ....

I'm back !!

2005-09-14T01:32:00.000-07:00

Morning All

It's been a summer of fun and frolics. I've noticed a couple of comments from my huge fan base. Hi Pedders. Hi PJ. (Note to the rest of you. they will be printing this page off as we speak and framing the copy after receiving a big "hello" from the toaster.)

So then, where to begin? Well I could talk about parents, shopping, England and football or England and the Ashes (how good is that.) But what I am going to do is start with a commemorative tale as it has just been over a year since this blog began. Lets recap on a year thats seen the epic tale of the hunt for the barbequeue, Doctor dad, Spiderman "coming out" and the gallery of "I leave work in X days" pictures ...

So I'm in B&Q the other day and ....

[To be continued]....

Wasn't the Hulk cool

2005-07-15T01:35:00.000-07:00

God yes. He was ace. He turned green when angry which is unusual. The only time I have ever seen someone turn green was when this huge bloke grabbed hold of my mate and told him he was going to "have his wicked way with him"

Google is great ....

2005-06-16T06:34:00.000-07:00

So i went to www.google.co.uk and selected the "images" option. I typed in "Loser sign" (without the speech marks) and I kid you not ....

This was the 10th picture

An apology ...

2005-06-03T06:28:00.000-07:00

That last post about Jim’ll fix it was a joke aimed at my girlfriend. You other readers won’t have got it.

As a result of this, I will not make any joke or remark aimed particularly at one individual.

Actually that’s a lie. I will only make fun of those who deserve it. Those types who wear dresses at the weekend. You know – the ones that are secretly very gay.

Afternoon Pedders.

My girlfriend was really tired .....

2005-06-03T04:11:00.000-07:00

But she's ok now

Attitude ....

2005-05-25T03:35:00.001-07:00

So, all in all, the movie is good. But I reckon I could do better. (Sorry George)

Like Yoda right. He needs a bit more attitude. He needs a big Medallion round his neck, a pair of shades and a baseball cap. Cos he’s the daddy. He’s the rebel alliance massive. King of Jedi.

He just needs to strut a bit more. And swear. He definitely needs to swear.

“Hey ya’ll. “Yo” is for Yoda and I is powerful with the force. Wicked”

Vadar “Do not underestimate the power of the ….”

“Yo Vadar. Shut the f*ck up. I’m talking here” “F*cking do you I will hmmmmm”

That would be much better.

And Darth Vader right – he’s almost the perfect bad guy. But he doesn’t swear either. Sure he’s got that cool pinch your throat trick off to a tee. But when things go wrong, he’s just too passive. Like in Episode 4 (the first one made.) When they destroy the death star. If I were him the last line of that film would have been

“B*llocks. It took me ages to build that f*cker”

This is just childish ...

2005-05-23T08:25:00.000-07:00

If you replace the word "Force" with "pants" then Star wars becomes the funniest film ever made.

"May the pants be with you... always"
"Don't ever underestimate the power of the dark side of the pants"
"I felt a tremor in the pants"
"I find your lack of pants disturbing"

Continue with the review will I ...

2005-05-23T07:34:00.000-07:00

It really is quite difficult to do a review without spoiling them movie. Not just star wars, any movie really. The trick is to surround the review with small talk and a touch of humour that way you mask the story line but still produce a great review.

Look what I’ve done. I’ve split this review into several parts and put the end of the review last in this blog. That’s me subtly mimicking the way the star wars films were produced.

Back to business. Rumour has it that the new film (Episode III) was supposed to be released at Christmas. However, there was unfortunate event between Obi Wan and Darth Vadar. Darth Vadar got upset because Obi Wan “felt his presents”

Wey hey

More to follow…..

Review it I will .....

2005-05-23T06:45:00.000-07:00

Yep. It’s that time of the year again wear every kid pretends their ruler is a light sabre and every adult tries to impersonate Yoda. Star Wars is back! Move over Mr Jonathon Ross, it’s time for a Toaster review.

So, it’s the sixth film that is actually the third, so although it’s the last one it actually marks the middle of the story and its end is really the beginning of what was a trilogy 20 years ago. No wonder it’s a f*cking 12A. You have to be above 12 to understand the sequence.

Now I was a little pessimistic as I travelled to see this. Although I had hope (A new hope – get it.) Surely it couldn’t be as bad as the first two (meaning Episodes 1 and 2) I mean, come on, what was George Lucas on when he made them. The Phantom Menace?? For a start he wasn’t a phantom and hardly menacing. Although the double sided light sabre was good. Yep should have been called “Episode I – The slight nuisance”

Then we have the sickly “Attack of the Clones” were the scariest attack was that one of “I’m going to be sick” watching Anekin Skywalker ponce about over that princess bird. Just not good enough.

So how did this one fair. Well let me tell you.

I actually wanted to also use this film as an experiment to prove / disprove my last comments about cinema films and kids. So I tool my 8 year old daughter. I won’t give anything away, but there is a point where young Skywalker decides whether or not to continue as a Jedi, or turn to the dark side. Now I’m not going to spoil it by telling you how he decided. Just that it wasn’t by tossing a coin or playing Rock, Paper, Scissors with the Emperor.(Although how cool would that be!) Imagine it...

1...2...3....

[Emperor] "Rock" [Anakin] "Scissors".... "dark side, bugger... best of three ?"

So this decision – some might argue that it is the milestone to fully integrate the two sets of film – when does it happen ?? Right on the bloody 90 minute mark and guess what ! Just at the moment where he is deciding…

“Well Anekin, will you turn to the dark side?” …
“I need a wee before I wet my pants”

Brilliant.

To be continued ....

And to make friday 13th even scarier ...

2005-05-17T05:39:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention. they were a silky satin shiney brown.

uuuurgh

I've got an idea for a job ....

2005-05-16T09:23:00.000-07:00

I can review all the films that Jonathan Ross couldn't.

You know, like I-Wobot and Lord of the Wings

Being critical ...

2005-05-16T09:03:00.000-07:00

So after I got rave ratings from my last film review blog, I decided to look a bit deeper into being a movie critigue stylee thing. And I reckon that I'm gonna be good at it.

I don't have to limit it to just films, I can broaden my horizons and be critical about the whole move world. (Not just limit my views to a particular movie.) For instance, take the subject of, I dunno ...Kids films. Why are they so long? Marketing - thats why. It's because kids have to go and pee after 90 minutes, miss the vital part of the film and then the parents have to buy the f*cking DVD when it's released.

You take note, next time you are watching a kids film (Pedders - that's one that you don't have to go with your mum and dad to see.) Just after the 90 minute mark, something crucial to the plot will happen. In Harry Potter 3 it was the bit where Buckbeak got killed. You see the axe being wielded, you hear the scream and then "PEE BREAK"!

I spent the next half hour wondering where the F*ck Buckbeaks twin had come from. Or was it in fact a re-telling of that famous story about the carpenters son who rose from the dead. (You know the story. Pinnochio II)

I reckon they should just stop showing kids film on the cinema. It only promotes piracy. Straight to DVD and then pause button can be used on as many pee breaks as necessary. And cinemas full of kids are never quite right. There's an unwritten adult law with regards cinema. Law number one, thou shalt always be one tosser who leaves on his / her mobile phone.

Law number 2 is my favourite. Thoust must rustle your popcorn to cover the noise of your fart and then stare head on at the film knowing in your heart of hearts that its a stinky one. Or is that just me?

Seriously though, cinema farts just linger. I reckon its something to do with the design of the seats. You stand up, they swing upright and the smell's gone (Pity the bloke behind you.) But when you are sat there, it just, well, hangs around. And you daren't look away from the film in case someone is staring at you in a "You've just pumped haven't you" way." And I reckon that’s to do with marketing as well. It’s a way of making you watch the bloody film. It's something they put in the popcorn. All those crap film’s that have reviews of "I was transfixed" and "I daren't look away from the screen." Bollocks. hey just put fart powder in your popcorn.

Friday 13th....

2005-05-16T03:58:00.000-07:00

So – how to recover from a so far disappointing evening. I know, lets watch Friday 13th (part 2). Absolute class. Bunch of young geeks at “camp” (the leader of which perfectly illustrated the meaning of “camp” ) and a nutter who supposedly drowned in the lake 5 years ago. Brilliant stuff.

“Come on, lets go paddle in the lake”
“Hang on, let me just wander off into these dark woods for a minute for no particular reason at all” THUD (axe in head)

Flick flick
“how odd, the light has stopped working. And there’s blood on the stairs. I know, I’ll go up them all on my own and take a look around…..SLICE – (throat gets slit)

Just wicked. But the best bit, the BEST bit was not the spree of mass murder as the film approached its end, it was the events that led to it. I don’t want to ruin the film but I just have to describe this.

Leader of “camp” has taken a couple of “campees” to the local town for a few beers. This leaves, coincidently, 3 blokes and 3 girls left at camp for Jason to brutally slash. Being an 80s film, its trying to be a bit naughty. You know, slipping in the odd swear word here and there, the couple who get the spear through both of them while they are “at it” etc. But more was to follow.

There’s this girl and the cripple in the wheel chair “I’m still gonna be a great American footballer” type. Having a chat. She obviously fancies him, after all he is a rugged would-be football star. Not an Andy from Little Britain. (Yeah. I know.)

Subtle as a brick, after a bit of small talk she says “I know you are in a wheel chair but apart from your legs, does everything else still work??”

Good God woman! You couldn’t have been more blatant if you’d have stripped naked and painted “take me now" on your pink parts.

Right – this is the scary bit. This was, for me the scariest bit of the film. It’s not for the feint hearted – I’ll warn you now. I can’t believe they showed this. I still feel sick at the thought of it. Off she goes to her cabin to get “ready” for her wheel chair fella. She’s going through her wardrobe to decide what to wear. Typical woman, always has to make some sort of clothing decision. Bloody hell girl, you are about to get out of them. So, as she roots through her drawer – she lifts out her pants – and for visual effect has to point them at the camera. Then it happened. I did a double take. I went white as a sheet. For me, her night of passion was never going to be – it was to be totally ruined

Her pants were Brown (!)

I want my money back ....

2005-05-16T03:57:00.000-07:00

Having read the review from Pedders, and having put up with the constant, “Can we go see, Can we go see” from my girlfriend, I reluctantly went to see “hitchhikers guide to the galaxy” on Friday night.

I must admit, there was a mood of pessimism about me. To coin a phrase “this is going to be a pile of arse” is how I described the film I have never seen as I drove to the cinema.

And how right I was. Should have been called “HitchHikers guide to yet another brilliant story turned into a pile of monkey poop”

Today I'm feeling ...

2005-05-16T03:12:00.000-07:00

F*ckity f*ck f*ck f*ckity f*ck f*cked off

There. That’s better.

I fell down the stairs last night ...

2005-05-10T05:27:00.000-07:00

I’m putting this on the site as I know none of the people who read this will be cruel enough to laugh at my misfortune.

So last night, I’ve fallen asleep and then woken at 2 am. (ish) So I go to the loo (as you do) and then I need to wash my hands (It’s very important to wash your hands after you use the toilet don’t you know. Especially if, you know, you’ve had to “sit down.” The horrors of thin toilet tissue)

Anyway, for those of you who are wondering, I didn’t have to “sit down.” Nether the less, I washed my hands. As I reached for the towel – oh no, there isn’t one. So I decide to go and get one from the airing cupboard.

It’s pitch black, I’m half asleep and I can’t turn the light on in case I wake up my girlfriend. (I know – how nice am I. AND I put the seat down when I’d finished.)

So I pass my bedroom door and step into the next bedroom. Except I hadn’t walked far enough to reach the next bedroom so what I actually stepped into was the top of the stairs. As my right foot desperately failed to find any floor, my left leg decided to swing across and find the floor that the right foot couldn’t find. The thing about stairs, when you are at the top of them anyway, is that they go down. So my left leg plunged deeper into thin air and the next thing I’m criss crossing all the way down to the bottom.

As I thudded against the front door, I hear the pitter pat of feet upstairs followed by “are you ok?” So I’ve bloody well woken her up anyway !

The moral of that story is don’t be a tosser. I know that’s not a very good moral, but its better than “stay where you are and wet your kex”

click here to recreate!

Last Day !

2005-04-29T00:47:00.000-07:00

A sign of God ....

2005-04-28T02:06:00.000-07:00

My heros....

2005-04-27T01:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a hard days night ...

2005-04-26T01:22:00.000-07:00

I love a good book ....

2005-04-25T01:45:00.000-07:00

It's my lucky die ....

2005-04-22T07:07:00.000-07:00

I wonder ....

2005-04-21T01:11:00.000-07:00

How may days to go ?

Consult the magic ball ...

2005-04-20T05:06:00.000-07:00

So why "8" ?

Soft moment ...

2005-04-20T04:08:00.000-07:00

This is not something I have wanted to talk about, but my girlfriend has been away for most of the last 4 weeks. I have missed her more than I can say. So much in fact, that I am making the effort to publish this on the Internet even though anyone in the world could stumble accross it and read it and see that I'm a soft sod.

It is very safe to say that I am very much in love with her and I am very VERY glad that she is back.

Right back to normal. Let's hope Man Utd beat those Scousers tonight so I can wind up my Uncle Steve.

It's a cat-astrophe

2005-04-19T08:03:00.000-07:00

Only nine days to go ...

Standing on a wall ....

2005-04-18T02:34:00.000-07:00

It's a ballet ....

2005-04-15T01:45:00.000-07:00

How many Roses?

2005-04-14T01:49:00.000-07:00

Of course ...

A dozen (days to go)

Spaced out ....

2005-04-13T02:32:00.000-07:00

Top Gun

2005-04-12T02:19:00.000-07:00

It's an F14 ....

Days to go

Website censorship ....

2005-04-11T02:53:00.000-07:00

The number of days to go has been offically certified as

Some of these days may contain string language and may not be suitable for persons under 15 years of age

I hate girly magazines ...

2005-04-08T03:51:00.000-07:00

Except this one...

My house number is ....

2005-04-07T02:09:00.000-07:00

How appropriate

An explanation

2005-04-04T08:23:00.000-07:00

The more observant of you will have noticed that 3 days have whizzed by today. The fact is that I will not be here for the next two and didn't want to disappoint.

By the time I come back, I'll be down to the last 17.

Darts anyone ?

2005-04-04T08:19:00.000-07:00

N n n n nineteen ...

2005-04-04T08:18:00.000-07:00

Just a note to remind you ...

2005-04-04T05:02:00.000-07:00

Anyone for tennis ....

2005-04-01T08:34:00.000-08:00

Two little ducks ....

2005-03-31T02:48:00.000-08:00

Quack Quack

Don't like to talk about it ....

2005-03-30T07:45:00.000-08:00

but I have some celebrity fans

It's a great show ...

2005-03-29T05:52:00.000-08:00

I won on the lotto...

2005-03-24T04:08:00.000-08:00

Unbelievable.

Could only get this one ....

2005-03-23T02:01:00.000-08:00

Fancy a Chinese ....

2005-03-22T00:33:00.000-08:00

It's movie time ....

2005-03-21T01:56:00.000-08:00

It's a scorcher !!

2005-03-18T01:49:00.000-08:00

Watch your speed ...

2005-03-17T02:29:00.000-08:00

I reckon my mate is Irish ...

2005-03-17T02:20:00.000-08:00

My mate Paddy, was nailing up the side of a wooden house.
I noticed that Paddy was examining the nails and throwing away every second and third.
'What's wrong with those nails?' I asked.
'Sure the heads are at the wrong end.'

What an Ejit

Even I'm not that stupid. They are for the other side of the house.

I'm absolutely not going to talk about Turkey....

2005-03-16T13:25:00.000-08:00

For no reason at all, I thought I'd do this ....

And todays update ....

2005-03-16T11:23:00.000-08:00

In case you didn't know ...

2005-03-15T04:03:00.000-08:00

New second class stamp ...

2005-03-15T03:54:00.000-08:00

Wouldn't want to lick this ...

Cars go out of date so quickly ....

2005-03-15T03:40:00.000-08:00

This one will be out of date tomorrow...

Only 32 working days to go

Spend a penny ...

2005-03-14T02:59:00.000-08:00

It may come as a surprise to some of you, but I do find myself funny. I've read my own blog several times and found myself laughing at myself. I just can't help it.

Take yesterday for example. Me and my mate (the infamous Mr. Burns) are at the garage and it's really busy. "Here" I say, "You take this £10 in and pay while I'm filling up. Then we can get out of here"

So as he goes to pay, I deliberately put £10.01 in the car. I was killing myself laughing. Mr burns however kept telling me "Yer not funny!" (although there was a smirk on his face as he said it.)

So, the ultimate test. Let's ask the audience.

A message from Pedders

2005-03-14T02:33:00.000-08:00

There's this bloke right, who isn't Mike. And I have been asked to send him a message from Pedders. Something relating to the number of points in the fantasy football.

Well, "This isn't Mike". This is for you ...

Click the green square

The countdown continues ...

2005-03-14T02:09:00.000-08:00

Today, I will be mostly

2005-03-11T03:24:00.000-08:00

Doing bugger all ....

Man United - New Signing !!

2005-03-10T05:15:00.000-08:00

Not that I'm counting ...

2005-03-09T07:25:00.000-08:00

Go go Inspector Pedders ...

2005-03-08T09:22:00.000-08:00

This is what he said when he heard my news ....

I've handed my notice in ....

2005-03-08T08:41:00.000-08:00

And over the next few days I'm going to be constantly taking the piss

Well that didn't last long ...

2005-03-04T07:42:00.001-08:00

BBC Breaking News this morning

2005-03-04T03:34:00.000-08:00

So I'm watching this film and ...

2005-03-01T06:05:00.000-08:00

This guy shoots the first bloke and makes his way accross the living room. On the other side of the door is unsuspecting victim number two who's wathing this DVD on his computer.

Hang on ??

The Frankie Howerd pigeon

2005-02-25T04:25:00.000-08:00

So I'm sat in my office last night looking at the blazing sun waiting for it to snow. I suddenly realise that it's quite light for this time of night (5 ish).

So, I'm thinking, the nights are drawing out, the clocks will go forward soon and and.. "Oh my God spring is nearly here!"

Now the thing about spring is that the birds start to reappear. No Pedders, I do not mean 'ooo errr missus "Birds" ' I do mean birds of the feathered variety. "So what?" you may ask. Well let me tell you.

Every house has a roof, and every roof has, at some time, had a pigeon on it. Well mine is no different. Except MINE has the bloody Frankie Howerd pigeon on it.

Every morning, 6am without fail, it leans down my chimney and shouts

"OOOOOOooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" at 200 decibels

I swear it once said "Titter Ye Not"

What makes it worse is that it's a fat b*stard as well. So I know it's about to happen....
5.55 am: "THUD" It lands on the roof
5:56 am: "thud thud thud thud" as it walks along the roof to the chimney.
5:57 am: Leaves me waiting for it
5:58 am: Still waiting
5:59 am: [Twitch]
6:00 am: "OOOOOOooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

Click the green square

I'm going to buy a gun and shoot the bugger

Snow it isn't...

2005-02-24T01:08:00.000-08:00

The met office has just announced an unusual phenomena in the Cambridgeshire area. It appears that Sawston (7 miles outside of Cambridge) is the only place ON THE PLANET that does not have any snow. While all the rest of the country is off skiing, sledging and snow balling we are bored sh*tless at work

From the BBC weather page ...

Manchester

Wales

Sawston

Andy Gray at it again ...

2005-02-21T04:03:00.000-08:00

Viewers were shocked yesterday when even Martin Tyler could not justify the comments of his best friend "Andy"

Andy "I love Chelsea" Gray: "Oooh, don't you know, Newcastle don't have the confidence to hold onto a one nil win, so they don't Martin"

Andy: "Ooh, they are such a "big game" team, and this is a big big game, so it is. And lets see what they have got to offer in this last 10 minutes, so we will"

Andy "That, in my book, was never a sending off. You only send off players when they are clean through, so you do. Alright, he was clean through but that chelsea defender [Martin: Where?], that one there, that one right back there look, he would have limped the forty yards and tackled him. No doubt, so he would.

Martin "Bonnie" Tyler: Well, looks like Mohrinio might pay the penalty for being, like you Andy, an arrogant **** ******
Now as my mum reads this, I can't just put the picture that accompanies this text. For those of you who want to know what Martin said, "CLICK HERE".

I've tried not to be too graphic

Final answer?

2005-02-21T03:10:00.000-08:00

It's gone orange - there's no turning back ....

No more lifelines ....

2005-02-21T01:42:00.000-08:00

Andy Gray has been sacked

2005-02-14T06:12:00.000-08:00

****News just in****

Skysports regret to announce the immediate departure of Andy Gray from the SkySports team. In a statement today, presenter Richard Keys said

"His performance in the commentary of the Manchester Derby was one of the poorest pieces of sports punditry I have ever seen.He is clearly awhining, Chelsea-loving arsewipe "

Fellow commentator Martin Tyler was close to tears when adding his comments...

"I think Andy has been hard done to. As a Scot, Andy brought a none biased opinion into English Football. Especially when commenting on London clubs - who are the best of course, the best of them being Chelsea."

SkySports have already tendered an offer to Andy's replacement

Skysports

2005-02-14T04:00:00.000-08:00

Andy "I love Chelsea" Gray with Martin "I love Andy Gray" Tyler were at their best again for this weekends Derby game

In a Lorraine Kelly stylee ...

"Oooh don't you know that the last time City won at home 3 years running was 50 years ago - so it is"

"Oooh and don't you know that the last time that happened, you'll never guess, go on with you, that Chelsea won the leage - so it is"

"Ooooh and looook, there's Steve Mcfannyman. He's not scored for city, ooooh wouldn't it be just typical if he scores today - so it will"

They say a picture paints a thousand words. Two in this case.

Shite________________________ Quality

Bloody pips ...

2005-02-07T08:49:00.000-08:00

So I get a "aren't I a smart arse" type comment on my last blog putting me right about how "Tim" tells the time using "Pips"

Well, Little Miss "I love the speaking clock and am his number on fan", I looked in the dictionary and saw this ..

pip(1) noun the small seed of a fruit such as an apple, pear, orange or grape.

What abut that then. I'm feeling "yeay" I'm feeling "right" I'm feeling "have that!"

Then I read this..

pip(2) noun one of a series of short high-pitched signals on the radio, telephone, etc,

[sigh] Foiled again

So why doesn't he say "after the 3rd pip" ??

Rant required ....

2005-02-07T08:21:00.000-08:00

I've had this really frustrating urge to rant today but I've had no-one to rant at and nothing to rant about. So I'm thinking, "I know, I'll write something on my blog"

Would you believe it, Bloggers f*cking cramp. Not an ounce of humour could I squeeze from my usually plentiful collection of sarcastic and witty repertoire. (yes - I did have to spell check "repertoire")

So I rang the speaking clock for inspiration.

Why do we call him Tim? I mean i know if you knock the "e" off "time" then thats what it spells but isn't that a particularly crap way of naming something. And I bet someone got paid to come up with that. And I bet they get paid more than me! (Suddenly my twitch has come back)

Imagine the local council meeting.

Counciller One: "What shall we call the new swimming pool?"
Counciller Two: How about "poo" ?

And the other thing. Why does it say "stroke" ? I mean, what does "Tim(e)" think a stroke is?

Imagine the confusion.

In the car, you get angry and "Stroke your horn" [ooo errr] or your answerphone: "leave me a message after the stroke"

And if a "beep" is a "stroke", is a "stroke" a "beep"??

Doctor: "I'm terribly sorry. Your grandfather suffered a terrible beep"

And what about the tv classics like "Different Beeps" and and "Brush beeps" ??!??

Anyway, I still needed to rant

Speaking Clock: "on the 3rd stroke...."

Toaster: IT'S NOT a stroke its a f*cking beep

[bip] [bip] [bip]

or is it a "bip" ?

Vieira?

2005-02-02T10:17:00.000-08:00

Is he a hen?
Is he a chicken?

Nope... he's a C*ck

He really is a Thunderbird...

2005-02-02T09:11:00.000-08:00

Look what I found...

Your not singing any more!

2005-02-02T04:00:00.000-08:00

Ahhhh. Smug Mode.

top o' the marning to ya ...

2005-01-27T03:34:00.000-08:00

Just saying a big "Top o' the marnin" to my Aunt Deb who was unfortunate enough to marry an Irish. It's nice having foreign relatives though. Gives me someone to laugh at.

She's lived in Dublin for several years now and I'm afraid to say that she's slowly turning into one of them. She's just got on MSN chat today and she tells me that she's found a new relative !!

Aunt Deb: Hi , I've had an email froman Aunty I didn't know I had
Toaster: Really - who's that?
Aunt Deb: Dunno really. She's called Aunty Virus
Toaster: [yep - she's definately one of them]
Aunt Deb: look what she sent me ....

What a paddy!

New extreme sport for girls .....

2005-01-21T08:39:00.000-08:00

Apparantly

Click HERE

I'm totally immature ...

2005-01-17T06:09:00.000-08:00

Because I thought this was funny ....

Click HERE

If Pedders was a stormtrooper ...

2005-01-17T04:42:00.000-08:00

Nuff said...

Electrickery III

2005-01-17T04:06:00.000-08:00

So on the way out of the door ay 7.30 pm on Christmas eve and I've discovered taht turning the light off blows the fuse. [Sigh]

It'll have to wait until we are back, and as we are going away, forget it for 2 days. So day after boxing day and I blow 3 more fuses before realising that the 2 black wires trigger the "on / off" signal and therefore should not be touching.

I had a fiddle about and managed to get the light on again - but permanently. The sodding thing wouldn't turn off. I was tempted to ask my girlfriend if "taking the fuse out" would be a good enough solution but a raised eyebrow told me "no."

Right then, desperate means need desperate measures. Dad. He was coming to visit so mum was sent to the living room while us blokes tackled the electric. First of all, lets get the other light working. (ok - we have one thats permanently on but hey - its a start) Every, no let me stress, EVERY combination of 7 wires possible was used with various levels of success.

Get this, I have 2 switches. How did switch 2 suddenly make light 1 go dim ? I dunno either but it bloody well did. The lights in the living room work off the same circuit. So I reached this point when none of the kitch lights will come on (again) [twitch]. Perhaps I've blown a fuse ?? I know, I'll check the living room lights and if they don't come on, then it's a fuse. FLICK goes the switch in the living room and the f*cking kitchen lights come on !!

Positive to negative bollocks. I think I defied the laws of physics that day. My new approach is now to pretend I have gone overly romantic. Candlelit breakfast don't you know.

Good looking lads ...

2005-01-17T04:01:00.000-08:00

Their mum's must be very proud of them. I know I am ....

Result.

Roontastic

2005-01-17T03:52:00.000-08:00

That mobile phone that was thrown at Wayne Rooney. The question is, why would somebody throw their own expensive mobile phone at him? Is it worth the cost ?

Well, couple of points about the idiot. Firstly, there is bound to be an entry in the phone book called "My number" or "Home" so it won't take very long to track who it belongs to. Secondly, remember it was a scouser who threw it therefore it had probably been nicked anyway.

Anyway, perhaps it was a phone call to Dudek telling him to Dive. And like Dudek, the message got there too late.

F*cking funny though.

Blokes guide to washing ....

2005-01-13T08:24:00.000-08:00

Now I lived on my own for a bit and there's only so many times you can wear all your clothes before you know they need to be washed. 8 months later (thats a pair of pants per month) that dreaded day came.

Now then, what to choose. 60? 40 with 1 line under it? 40 with 2 lines under it?? I mean, how many settings do you need? The manufacturer had gone to some length to make this bloke-friendly (the door wouldn't open if there was water in it.) And I Figured out where to put the powder(not how much but where it went) but apart from that I was knackered. Well, every setting has a letter on the dial. So I go for "D." "D" for "Dunno what I'm doing"

And unbelievably it worked! Ok, I had to stop buying anything white as "D" "Didn't do white" and also I had to buy everything a size too big as "D" "Definately needs that to be a bit smaller" but apart from that I'd actually mastered the washing machine.

Anyway 3 years on and the machine breaks. Call it intuition but water p*ssing out of the door definately was not good. So I get a new one.

B*llocks. There's no "D"

Electrickery II

2005-01-10T08:23:00.000-08:00

So I'm thinking 3 red wires, 3 black wires and this earth wire. Hmmm. How to start. Well how about I start by being a total pillock - that'll make for a good Christmas Eve. First thing first. I have to screw a metal plate to the ceiling. The afore-mentioned wires have to be in the middle of this circular metal plate. (It looks like a big Polo mint only it is silver not white and doesn't taste minty.) So I switch off the electric, put the plate in place, mark where I want to put the screws and then leave it there hangin on the wires.

Of course I then just switched the electric back on. Now the thing with this plate is, it is around the wires. The other thing about it is that it's metal. And the thing about metal is that it conducts electricity. So this plate that I have left hanging off the ceiling is connecting all three reds with all three blacks.

As I threw the switch, I wouldn't say it was a boom, but definately a bang as an almighty flash briefly lit the room before consigning me to darkness. Obviously I've blown the fuse. This was confirmed when the living room lights failed to come on. Before continuing, I obviously changed my pants.

So now its Christmas eve and I'm on my way to the DIY shop. Now that actually did cheer me up. I admit, I am rubbish at Christmas shopping but not so rubbish to leave it until Christmas eve and then raid the DIY as it's the only open shop. I can see her now "Wow darling, how thoughtful. You bought me a set of spanners and some raw plugs. how did you know?"

Anyway, I buy 12 fuses therefore I have 12 goes at getting the wiring right. Times running on so I abandon putting the light up (save that for another day.) All I had to do was arrange the wires so that the flow of electric would not be interrupted and we would have 1 working kitchen light, and the living room lights would work.

So I'm down to 6 fuses by the time I've cracked it.

As we left to go out on Christmas eve I stared admiringly at my new kitchen spotlight that I had managed to fit myself. It was when switching it off blew the fuse again that I was not quite so Christmassy....

the story continues

Pantomime is dead - oh no it isn't!

2005-01-10T06:39:00.000-08:00

For thos who don't know. I moved to Cambridge a few years ago as I was attracted by the buzzing night life, the awesome music scene and it's wealth of drinking establishments - not!

I looked Cambridge up in the doomsday book and its said "Tis known to be one pile of pants"

Anyway - before I launch into a none bias, open minded view of the tax dodging scabby parasite student society, it is my great pleasure to share this small story with you. Cambridge is cool. And do you know why ?? Let me tell you.

The one thing going for it is that the pantomime every year is headlined by none other than Christopher Biggins. However, this year - he was NOT invited back. I can tell you, that sent shockwaves through the light entertainment, B list celebrity industry. However , to Cambridge's rescue came Michael Fenton Stevens.

I hear you, I hear you "WHO ?????" (a bit like the crowd when Man City announce their substitutes)

Well let me impress you further. You'll know who by this picture ...

Not only has he play a bit part in Eastenders. Not only has he done an advertisment for Nescafe gold....but he's ALSO had a number one hit. He was the lead singer on the fabulous spitting image "The chicken song"

All in all, with celebs like that, Cambridge ROCKS