What's that all about?

Being critical ...

So after I got rave ratings from my last film review blog, I decided to look a bit deeper into being a movie critigue stylee thing. And I reckon that I'm gonna be good at it.

I don't have to limit it to just films, I can broaden my horizons and be critical about the whole move world. (Not just limit my views to a particular movie.) For instance, take the subject of, I dunno ...Kids films. Why are they so long? Marketing - thats why. It's because kids have to go and pee after 90 minutes, miss the vital part of the film and then the parents have to buy the f*cking DVD when it's released.

You take note, next time you are watching a kids film (Pedders - that's one that you don't have to go with your mum and dad to see.) Just after the 90 minute mark, something crucial to the plot will happen. In Harry Potter 3 it was the bit where Buckbeak got killed. You see the axe being wielded, you hear the scream and then "PEE BREAK"!

I spent the next half hour wondering where the F*ck Buckbeaks twin had come from. Or was it in fact a re-telling of that famous story about the carpenters son who rose from the dead. (You know the story. Pinnochio II)

I reckon they should just stop showing kids film on the cinema. It only promotes piracy. Straight to DVD and then pause button can be used on as many pee breaks as necessary. And cinemas full of kids are never quite right. There's an unwritten adult law with regards cinema. Law number one, thou shalt always be one tosser who leaves on his / her mobile phone.

Law number 2 is my favourite. Thoust must rustle your popcorn to cover the noise of your fart and then stare head on at the film knowing in your heart of hearts that its a stinky one. Or is that just me?

Seriously though, cinema farts just linger. I reckon its something to do with the design of the seats. You stand up, they swing upright and the smell's gone (Pity the bloke behind you.) But when you are sat there, it just, well, hangs around. And you daren't look away from the film in case someone is staring at you in a "You've just pumped haven't you" way." And I reckon that’s to do with marketing as well. It’s a way of making you watch the bloody film. It's something they put in the popcorn. All those crap film’s that have reviews of "I was transfixed" and "I daren't look away from the screen." Bollocks. hey just put fart powder in your popcorn.

posted by Toaster @ 9:03 AM