What's that all about?

The barbeque (the trilogy is complete) ...

So here it is. The end of the epic barbeque tale. Writing this has been tough. It's brought back many a tear and the occasional feverish twitch, but after a week to re-cooperate, I'm ready to complete the trilogy.

Speaking of trilogies, the new star wars trilogy has just been release on DVD. WRONG!! There are now 5 Star Wars movies so how can it be a trilogy? Eh??
Anyway, right then, deep breath and off we go....

So after 6 shops, 3 hours and more twitches than Stressed Eric, I'm home. Not only am I home, but I've got my HUGE box with my mega barbeque in it. It's still sunny outside and not a cloud in the sky. For you black hearted, malicious readers - no - it didn't rain. Stop trying to make up an ending that never happened... wait for it.

Now I am no fool. I don't expect to empty the box and "boing" up pops a perfectly formed barbeque. I know I'll have to attach the legs (well, base) to the big wok thing and away we go.

No

Three hundred and fifty thousand million trillion of the tiniest screws I have ever seen in my life dropped out of the box. I felt a bit sick. I then looked at the 347 page assembly manual that came with it. I felt faint. And then those immortal words that will haunt me forever, I honestly saw my life flash before me when my dad said, "here, let me help you." There just isn't a God.

Dad: "Do you have a spanner"
Me: ...
[Too many jokes]

So anyway, we set about it. And After 20 minutes I've managed to get the thin wire compression joint (spring) onto the upright curvature of the supporting pedestal (base.) Dad then needs to attach the handle.

Dad: Where's the knob?
Me: ...
[Far too many jokes]

So, half an hour now, and I've done steps 1, 2 and 3 and it's started to take shape. And I'm thinking, this is all going too well, this is all far easier than it should be. And guess what.... I was right
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Step 4 kindly tells me that "before I do steps 1, 2 and 3, I must do something else. Who the f*ck do they find to write these things?? The 4th instruction told me to undo the first three instructionss, do the fourth one FIRST and then do the first three after!! (How ironic - the Star Wars movies I mentioned earlier were also written in an out of order sequence. "George Bloody Lucas" must have written these p*ssing instructions.)

Oh and yes, the case of the missing screwdriver. I screw in this, err, screw, and then there's a fiddly bit. So I put the screwdriver down and do the fiddly bit. Then I go and pick up the screwdriver... and it's GONE. Vanished, disappeared, deleted, evaporated and definitely GONE.

I've got 5 more screws to do and I've done so needless to say I'm stressed. It's at this point that people try to "help" and they really shouldn't. The stupid questions and suggestions that people say...

Helpful hint #1: "Think really hard about where you put it"
Me: "There!! I f*cking put it there, right there where that big empty space where my screwdriver used to be is"

Helpful hint #2: "try re-tracing your steps"
Me: What, Drive round Cambridge for 3 hours looking for a barbeque that now doesn't exist because there's only one and it's in bits in my living room!! [twitch] Sh*t. It's back

Helpful hint #3: "I think that you should take a break, calm down and then try again"
Me: "Why?? How is that going to help? Whilst I'm on my break is Paul Daniels going to run in shout "and dats magic" and mysteriously make my screwdriver reappear?? I think Not! (a lot)

Well, I decide that helpful hint #3 is the best of a bad lot. I'll have a cup of tea. Not had one since errrr..... Just before I lost my screwdriver. Unbelievably, I found it.... With the knives, forks and spoons in the drawer..... [too many swear words to print]

I'm excited now, its half past five and I'm nearly done. All I have to do is secure the wind guard and it's complete. Why is it called a wind guard anyway? It's 3 inches high, stands round one half of the barbeque which is then placed in the middle of a garden. Wow! The wind won't get to that!

One thing I didn't mention is that this barbeque has "Air filtration" (!! I know, posh or what.) Basically, it has a bit that turns and covers / uncovers a hole that allows air in / out. My dad pointed out that it was strange having this at the BACK of the barbeque as you would want to control it whilst standing cooking at the front. Off came the top half again while we put it on the right way round. (How unlucky is that? The top is circular yet we still managed to put it on the wrong way round [Twitch])

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This will be my last reference to the star wars movies now. You know that bit where the writing comes up and the main music starts. Just before the bit that says "A long time ago in a galaxy far far away" (How far away is that! Not "far" away, but "far FAR" away! So like, to me Manchester is far away, but "far FAR" away must be like.. Glasgow or something.)

Anyway, just before that bit, the music goes "De de derrrr, de de did de de der derrrr derrrrr!" Well thats what was buzzing in my head as I proudly carried out the barbeque and placed it adoringly in the middle of the garden. Fan-tast-ic !!

So then I get the coal and build the little pyramid, just like it shows on the packet. Out comes the amazing Lighting gel stuff, blob here, blob there. I'm so proud. this is the moment. 3 hours worth of shops, One and a half hours worth of building and it was finally going to happen.

I'm about to light it..

Here we go ..

I reach for the ...

NO MATCHES! No! [Twitch] there must be some somewhere.

It's too incomprehendible to believe but unfortunately true. After four and a half hours of buying and building, not a single bloody match to be seen anywhere. I found an old lighter that had run out of gas (Images of me trying to light the Gel with a spark off an old lighter .) Nope. I was going to have to be more genius than that. Inspiration - the wooden skewers !! I'll light one of those on the cooker.

Just how does the flame know when to go out? Every time I got within 2 feet of the barbeque - "poof! "- gone! Try again. It's here that my sad tale is coming to an end. After several attempts, I got it lit. Time for a beer or five while the coal gets hot.

So my girlfriend gets in from work, a mate pops round for a beer and I'm deleriously explaining the events of the day to them. I'm half way though my rant about the bloke in Asda when - oh no!! I've left the Air Filtration flap open !!

I ran out to the garden and ...




What a shit idea it was to get a barbeque.

posted by Toaster @ 1:32 PM