What's that all about?

And another !

posted by Toaster @ 3:44 AM 0 comments

Mum's make us boys fat

Sometimes, you just can't win. Like the other night, I've gone to the match with my brother, had a burger, beer etc etc.

Anyway, we get home and brother is making a chicken burger. He asks if I want one, I politely decline and that's the end of that ....... you'd have thought. Enter "Mum"

Mum: Not having anything to eat?

Me: No thanks

Mum: Quick snack?

Me: No, I'm fine, really, thanks

Mum: how about a sandwich?

Me: Seriously, I'm fine.

Mum: I have some ham ??

Me: Honest mum I don't want anything.

Mum: But I forgot your brother was off work and started to make his lunch. I've already buttered some rolls

Me: Mum, please - I DON'T WANT a sandwich

[30 second pause]

Mum: Bit of cheese?

Me: For God's sake, that's it, you've won I'll have a bloody sandwich!

and if it couldn't get any worse.......

Brother: What's wrong with my chicken burgers??!!??

posted by Toaster @ 5:36 AM 0 comments

Tribute to Fergie

Morning Toast fans

You may or may not know this, but last yeat my best friend decided to buy me a hamster for my birthday. Not that I wanted a pet or anything, but, and I quote, "because it will do my head in."

And so - Fergie was born. (named after that should-be royal, Alex).

Cutting to the chase, shed died last weekend. I now feel slightly guilty about the fact that I once managed to boot her hamster ball accross the kitchen floor (when she was in it.) And before you all go RSPCA on me - it was an accident.

I also feel a tad guilty about dropping her that time and she didn't move for a whole minute.

So what to do? After this very generous present (costing me about £200 in cage upgrades, food, bedding, toys etc. - cheers Jonny), I'm suddenly left with this hole in my life. How do I fill it?

Like a plum I go and buy another. Now I need your help. What to call her (yes, she's a she).

So far the only name I've got is "little sod" as that's what I shouted when she bit me.

I look forward to your comments.....

posted by Toaster @ 2:20 AM 1 comments

Oh My God

Worse still ...



Urrrrgh

posted by Toaster @ 9:06 AM 5 comments

New Tory Leader ...

I've been away for a while and when I come back there's a nwe tory leader. So I'm surfing the Internet and what do I find?



You can find it at www.sunosam.co.uk

Something your not telling me ?

posted by Toaster @ 9:02 AM 1 comments

Hotel bathrooms. ...

So I’ve been away and stayed in a hotel as you do. The other day, I took a shower and subsequently attempted to dry myself on one of the hotel towels. As the towel scraped 10 layers of skin off me I realised that I needn’t have showered at all. This towel was like industrial sandpaper and was capable of removing not only dirt and grime, but skin, flesh and bone as well.

So why do hotels give you shitty white rock hard sandpaper stylee towels?? It’s because of those bastards that nick them that’s why. They make them deliberately rubbish as a deterrent. Also, may I add, they now make them slightly too small. And they ensure that you can’t nick the hand towel by deliberately designing the shower to piss all over the floor so you have to use it to mop up the lake of semi-warm water that oozes out.

The moral of this story is simple. People – please stop nicking hotel towels

And why do they make them white ?? Nobody, and I mean Nobody wants to see the suspect little mark that’s left after drying your complete self. If there’s one piece of advice that I can give, it’s never, NEVER sniff the suspect mark.

Now that I have a tenuous link to toilet, hotel toilet paper is a wonder to mankind. It’s so thin ! And yet it also has the texture of rubble. It’s like trying to wipe your bum on a broken glass bottle, it’s like… it’s like.. Badgers Arse !! ….

posted by Toaster @ 2:05 AM 2 comments

Got to nip out .....

I'm off to toaster in some other country for a week. I'll be back sometime the following week so if you like, keep your questions coming. if you can't be arsed, then read some of my previous posts. They still make me laugh.

And don't despair, I'll soon be back with more wit, more comedy and more taking the p*ss out of Pedro (bless him)

See ya

TOASTER

posted by Toaster @ 8:12 AM 0 comments

Question time (cont.) IIII

Question from Ped

My question is - as you've removed scouseville and part of wales where would you relocate the people - and as they're dead clever and funny wouldn't they all head to oxbridge?

I've thought about this. The welsh part of the solution is simple. They are mostly sheep. As winter is coming up tehre will be a rise in demand for jumpers and I reckon the traditional Christmas bird should be lamb anyway.

And no part of the country is going to willingly welcome -en-mass, a bunch of pikey bin dippers. So what we have to do is filter them throughout the comunnity. "Thin them out" so to speak. The concept of "job" will be new to most of them but we can give them "jobs" that benefit both us and them.

So if you ever lock your keys in the car .. never fear... Mickey mouser the honest scouser will sort you out. ! small screw driver and a wirecoathanger later and the door of your car will be open - scratch free.

Need new hub caps? Bob "Avoid the Bizzies" Maresey can you get you nearly new ones for a pint and 20 B&H

As for the rest of them, it seems you end up being a pundit on BBC sport.

"Dem liverpool like, dey play good footbal don't dey"
"Dey doo"
"Dey do doh don't dey don't"

posted by Toaster @ 5:52 AM 0 comments

Question time (cont.) III

Question from Ped:

Even though the ashes have been won - does this excuse it for being a toffee nosed crap boring game? (not a sport)

I’m not afraid to say it. I jumped on the Ashes band wagon. I have an Aussie mate (G’day Nick) so beating Australia was the dogs b*llocks.

And all this “I don’t like cricket – it’s not a sport” from Pedders is a load of rubbish. He’s lying so much his pants are on fire. Rumour has it that he was recently spotted at a locall cricket game. I investigated this …

posted by Toaster @ 5:40 AM 1 comments

Question time (cont.) II

Question from Ped:

If you were a weatherman (not unlike John Kettley) and you knew there was a hurricane coming bigger than Katrina, but you could somehow direct it to either Liverpool or Newcastle - which one would you choose and why?


Doesn’t John Kettley look suspiciously scouse. Hmmmm.

Look...



A terrible thing. Comlpete loss of control by the police. robbery, looting, sewage, burnt out cars. I reckon that a big hurricane might clean Liverpool up a bit actually.

There’s no competition really. Newcastle is so far up there it’s practically Scotland so best ignored. I heard that they are dropping the “United” from the name of their football team and replacing it with “Nil” That’ll make “Final Result” much easier on Grandstand.

So the winner is Liverpool. The city with the laxative accent. (it irritates the sh*t out of you.) The City where “pay and display” means that you give the snotty nose kids in safeways car park a quid to “mind your car mister.” The city where the only bloke in a 3 bedroomed semi is a burglar.

I’m on a roll now….

Q: What’s the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night?
A: What you looking at

Also, while I was at it, I thought I’d get rid of North Wales as well.

posted by Toaster @ 3:49 AM 0 comments