top o' the marning to ya ...
Just saying a big "Top o' the marnin" to my Aunt Deb who was unfortunate enough to marry an Irish. It's nice having foreign relatives though. Gives me someone to laugh at.
She's lived in Dublin for several years now and I'm afraid to say that she's slowly turning into one of them. She's just got on MSN chat today and she tells me that she's found a new relative !!
Aunt Deb: Hi , I've had an email froman Aunty I didn't know I had
Toaster: Really - who's that?
Aunt Deb: Dunno really. She's called Aunty Virus
Toaster: [yep - she's definately one of them]
Aunt Deb: look what she sent me ....
What a paddy!
New extreme sport for girls .....
Apparantly
Click HERE
I'm totally immature ...
Because I thought this was funny ....
Click HERE
If Pedders was a stormtrooper ...
Nuff said...
Electrickery III
So on the way out of the door ay 7.30 pm on Christmas eve and I've discovered taht turning the light off blows the fuse. [Sigh]
It'll have to wait until we are back, and as we are going away, forget it for 2 days. So day after boxing day and I blow 3 more fuses before realising that the 2 black wires trigger the "on / off" signal and therefore should not be touching.
I had a fiddle about and managed to get the light on again - but permanently. The sodding thing wouldn't turn off. I was tempted to ask my girlfriend if "taking the fuse out" would be a good enough solution but a raised eyebrow told me "no."
Right then, desperate means need desperate measures. Dad. He was coming to visit so mum was sent to the living room while us blokes tackled the electric. First of all, lets get the other light working. (ok - we have one thats permanently on but hey - its a start) Every, no let me stress, EVERY combination of 7 wires possible was used with various levels of success.
Get this, I have 2 switches. How did switch 2 suddenly make light 1 go dim ? I dunno either but it bloody well did. The lights in the living room work off the same circuit. So I reached this point when none of the kitch lights will come on (again) [twitch]. Perhaps I've blown a fuse ?? I know, I'll check the living room lights and if they don't come on, then it's a fuse. FLICK goes the switch in the living room and the f*cking kitchen lights come on !!
Positive to negative bollocks. I think I defied the laws of physics that day. My new approach is now to pretend I have gone overly romantic. Candlelit breakfast don't you know.
Good looking lads ...
Their mum's must be very proud of them. I know I am ....
Result.
Roontastic
That mobile phone that was thrown at Wayne Rooney. The question is, why would somebody throw their own expensive mobile phone at him? Is it worth the cost ?
Well, couple of points about the idiot. Firstly, there is bound to be an entry in the phone book called "My number" or "Home" so it won't take very long to track who it belongs to. Secondly, remember it was a scouser who threw it therefore it had probably been nicked anyway.
Anyway, perhaps it was a phone call to Dudek telling him to Dive. And like Dudek, the message got there too late.
F*cking funny though.
Blokes guide to washing ....
Now I lived on my own for a bit and there's only so many times you can wear all your clothes before you know they need to be washed. 8 months later (thats a pair of pants per month) that dreaded day came.
Now then, what to choose. 60? 40 with 1 line under it? 40 with 2 lines under it?? I mean, how many settings do you need? The manufacturer had gone to some length to make this bloke-friendly (the door wouldn't open if there was water in it.) And I Figured out where to put the powder(not how much but where it went) but apart from that I was knackered. Well, every setting has a letter on the dial. So I go for "D." "D" for "Dunno what I'm doing"
And unbelievably it worked! Ok, I had to stop buying anything white as "D" "Didn't do white" and also I had to buy everything a size too big as "D" "Definately needs that to be a bit smaller" but apart from that I'd actually mastered the washing machine.
Anyway 3 years on and the machine breaks. Call it intuition but water p*ssing out of the door definately was not good. So I get a new one.
B*llocks. There's no "D"
Electrickery II
So I'm thinking 3 red wires, 3 black wires and this earth wire. Hmmm. How to start. Well how about I start by being a total pillock - that'll make for a good Christmas Eve. First thing first. I have to screw a metal plate to the ceiling. The afore-mentioned wires have to be in the middle of this circular metal plate. (It looks like a big Polo mint only it is silver not white and doesn't taste minty.) So I switch off the electric, put the plate in place, mark where I want to put the screws and then leave it there hangin on the wires.
Of course I then just switched the electric back on. Now the thing with this plate is, it is around the wires. The other thing about it is that it's metal. And the thing about metal is that it conducts electricity. So this plate that I have left hanging off the ceiling is connecting all three reds with all three blacks.
As I threw the switch, I wouldn't say it was a boom, but definately a bang as an almighty flash briefly lit the room before consigning me to darkness. Obviously I've blown the fuse. This was confirmed when the living room lights failed to come on. Before continuing, I obviously changed my pants.
So now its Christmas eve and I'm on my way to the DIY shop. Now that actually did cheer me up. I admit, I am rubbish at Christmas shopping but not so rubbish to leave it until Christmas eve and then raid the DIY as it's the only open shop. I can see her now "Wow darling, how thoughtful. You bought me a set of spanners and some raw plugs. how did you know?"
Anyway, I buy 12 fuses therefore I have 12 goes at getting the wiring right. Times running on so I abandon putting the light up (save that for another day.) All I had to do was arrange the wires so that the flow of electric would not be interrupted and we would have 1 working kitchen light, and the living room lights would work.
So I'm down to 6 fuses by the time I've cracked it.
As we left to go out on Christmas eve I stared admiringly at my new kitchen spotlight that I had managed to fit myself. It was when switching it off blew the fuse again that I was not quite so Christmassy....
the story continues
Pantomime is dead - oh no it isn't!
For thos who don't know. I moved to Cambridge a few years ago as I was attracted by the buzzing night life, the awesome music scene and it's wealth of drinking establishments - not!
I looked Cambridge up in the doomsday book and its said "Tis known to be one pile of pants"
Anyway - before I launch into a none bias, open minded view of the tax dodging scabby parasite student society, it is my great pleasure to share this small story with you. Cambridge is cool. And do you know why ?? Let me tell you.
The one thing going for it is that the pantomime every year is headlined by none other than Christopher Biggins. However, this year - he was NOT invited back. I can tell you, that sent shockwaves through the light entertainment, B list celebrity industry. However , to Cambridge's rescue came Michael Fenton Stevens.
I hear you, I hear you "WHO ?????" (a bit like the crowd when Man City announce their substitutes)
Well let me impress you further. You'll know who by this picture ...
Not only has he play a bit part in Eastenders. Not only has he done an advertisment for Nescafe gold....but he's ALSO had a number one hit. He was the lead singer on the fabulous spitting image "The chicken song"
All in all, with celebs like that, Cambridge ROCKS
New years eve with Pedders
Bet you wish you were there .....
Electrickery
'Twas the night before Christmas,
when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
except for toaster who decided he was going to fit a new electric light
It's not often I ask myself this, but.... why?
Because it bloody well needed doing that's why. So I'm opening the instructions and I'm thinking, these had better not be like the barbeque instructions. And they weren't. Nice and simple. A diagram with 3 wires. One going into Live, one going into Neutral and a last one which was the Earth. Doddle!
So I switch off the entire electric supply and get at the wiring where the old light used to be. Hmmmm, not three but FIVE wires. So I shove the 2 red ones in live, the 2 black ones in Neutral, earth the earth, switch the electric back on and Voila! On comes the light. Am I the dogs or what. So far so good. But Toaster can't just do good can he... noooooo... he has to do better.
My girlfriend decides that "while I'm doing that, I might as well get the other one done as well" And part of me is thinking - "Nah - can't be arsed" and the other part of me is thinking "done one - this one will be even easier"
Anyway, I sort of moan about it, as you do, and then I get the look. You know the one that stops you listening to any voice of reason and just makes you "do what she says" The look of that scabby cat in Shrek ...
"Ok, ok. Off goes the electric, down come the seven, seven? [I did a double take you see] SEVEN wires!!
So now there are seven wires, a metal plate, a screwdriver, a ladder and oodles of real life threatening electric. I'm off to get my rubber underpants and away we go.
To be continued ....
Happy new year ....
Well it was! Until I got back to that arse thing called work. Two glorious weeks off doing nothing but playing xBox watching loads of football and eating cadburys roses.
oh, and beer.
and wine
And other alcohol type stuff. So how are you all ? Everybody back at work and feeling sick ? Good! Cos I'm suffering here in the god forsaken hell pit sh*t hole and so you can all suffer with me. I want to kick off the new year with a good old fashioned rant. And you, blog fans are going to help me, I hope.
I want to know, the worst, the very worst present you got for Christmas. It doesn't necessarily have to have been this year, but come on. I could do with a laugh.
In the mean time, I'm preparing my tales of woe and happiness based on true life events over the festive period. It's not for the feint hearted. Watch this space ....
