The Frankie Howerd pigeon
So I'm sat in my office last night looking at the blazing sun waiting for it to snow. I suddenly realise that it's quite light for this time of night (5 ish).
So, I'm thinking, the nights are drawing out, the clocks will go forward soon and and.. "Oh my God spring is nearly here!"
Now the thing about spring is that the birds start to reappear. No Pedders, I do not mean 'ooo errr missus "Birds" ' I do mean birds of the feathered variety. "So what?" you may ask. Well let me tell you.
Every house has a roof, and every roof has, at some time, had a pigeon on it. Well mine is no different. Except MINE has the bloody Frankie Howerd pigeon on it.
Every morning, 6am without fail, it leans down my chimney and shouts
"OOOOOOooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" at 200 decibels
I swear it once said "Titter Ye Not"
What makes it worse is that it's a fat b*stard as well. So I know it's about to happen....
5.55 am: "THUD" It lands on the roof
5:56 am: "thud thud thud thud" as it walks along the roof to the chimney.
5:57 am: Leaves me waiting for it
5:58 am: Still waiting
5:59 am: [Twitch]
6:00 am: "OOOOOOooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
 | Click the green square | I'm going to buy a gun and shoot the bugger
Andy Gray at it again ...
Viewers were shocked yesterday when even Martin Tyler could not justify the comments of his best friend "Andy"
Andy "I love Chelsea" Gray: "Oooh, don't you know, Newcastle don't have the confidence to hold onto a one nil win, so they don't Martin"
Andy: "Ooh, they are such a "big game" team, and this is a big big game, so it is. And lets see what they have got to offer in this last 10 minutes, so we will"
Andy "That, in my book, was never a sending off. You only send off players when they are clean through, so you do. Alright, he was clean through but that chelsea defender [Martin: Where?], that one there, that one right back there look, he would have limped the forty yards and tackled him. No doubt, so he would.
Martin "Bonnie" Tyler: Well, looks like Mohrinio might pay the penalty for being, like you Andy, an arrogant **** ******
Now as my mum reads this, I can't just put the picture that accompanies this text. For those of you who want to know what Martin said, "CLICK HERE".
I've tried not to be too graphic
Final answer?
It's gone orange - there's no turning back ....
No more lifelines ....
Andy Gray has been sacked
****News just in****
Skysports regret to announce the immediate departure of Andy Gray from the SkySports team. In a statement today, presenter Richard Keys said
"His performance in the commentary of the Manchester Derby was one of the poorest pieces of sports punditry I have ever seen.He is clearly awhining, Chelsea-loving arsewipe "
Fellow commentator Martin Tyler was close to tears when adding his comments...
"I think Andy has been hard done to. As a Scot, Andy brought a none biased opinion into English Football. Especially when commenting on London clubs - who are the best of course, the best of them being Chelsea."
SkySports have already tendered an offer to Andy's replacement
Skysports
Andy "I love Chelsea" Gray with Martin "I love Andy Gray" Tyler were at their best again for this weekends Derby game
In a Lorraine Kelly stylee ...
"Oooh don't you know that the last time City won at home 3 years running was 50 years ago - so it is"
"Oooh and don't you know that the last time that happened, you'll never guess, go on with you, that Chelsea won the leage - so it is"
"Ooooh and looook, there's Steve Mcfannyman. He's not scored for city, ooooh wouldn't it be just typical if he scores today - so it will"
They say a picture paints a thousand words. Two in this case.
Shite________________________ Quality
Bloody pips ...
So I get a "aren't I a smart arse" type comment on my last blog putting me right about how "Tim" tells the time using "Pips"
Well, Little Miss "I love the speaking clock and am his number on fan", I looked in the dictionary and saw this ..
pip(1) noun the small seed of a fruit such as an apple, pear, orange or grape.
What abut that then. I'm feeling "yeay" I'm feeling "right" I'm feeling "have that!"
Then I read this..
pip(2) noun one of a series of short high-pitched signals on the radio, telephone, etc,
[sigh] Foiled again
So why doesn't he say "after the 3rd pip" ??
Rant required ....
I've had this really frustrating urge to rant today but I've had no-one to rant at and nothing to rant about. So I'm thinking, "I know, I'll write something on my blog"
Would you believe it, Bloggers f*cking cramp. Not an ounce of humour could I squeeze from my usually plentiful collection of sarcastic and witty repertoire. (yes - I did have to spell check "repertoire")
So I rang the speaking clock for inspiration.
Why do we call him Tim? I mean i know if you knock the "e" off "time" then thats what it spells but isn't that a particularly crap way of naming something. And I bet someone got paid to come up with that. And I bet they get paid more than me! (Suddenly my twitch has come back)
Imagine the local council meeting.
Counciller One: "What shall we call the new swimming pool?"
Counciller Two: How about "poo" ?
And the other thing. Why does it say "stroke" ? I mean, what does "Tim(e)" think a stroke is?
Imagine the confusion.
In the car, you get angry and "Stroke your horn" [ooo errr] or your answerphone: "leave me a message after the stroke"
And if a "beep" is a "stroke", is a "stroke" a "beep"??
Doctor: "I'm terribly sorry. Your grandfather suffered a terrible beep"
And what about the tv classics like "Different Beeps" and and "Brush beeps" ??!??
Anyway, I still needed to rant
Speaking Clock: "on the 3rd stroke...."
Toaster: IT'S NOT a stroke its a f*cking beep
[bip] [bip] [bip]
or is it a "bip" ?
Vieira?
Is he a hen?
Is he a chicken?
Nope... he's a C*ck
He really is a Thunderbird...
Look what I found...
Your not singing any more!
Ahhhh. Smug Mode.
