Attitude ....
So, all in all, the movie is good. But I reckon I could do better. (Sorry George)
Like Yoda right. He needs a bit more attitude. He needs a big Medallion round his neck, a pair of shades and a baseball cap. Cos he’s the daddy. He’s the rebel alliance massive. King of Jedi.
He just needs to strut a bit more. And swear. He definitely needs to swear.
“Hey ya’ll. “Yo” is for Yoda and I is powerful with the force. Wicked”
Vadar “Do not underestimate the power of the ….”
“Yo Vadar. Shut the f*ck up. I’m talking here” “F*cking do you I will hmmmmm”
That would be much better.
And Darth Vader right – he’s almost the perfect bad guy. But he doesn’t swear either. Sure he’s got that cool pinch your throat trick off to a tee. But when things go wrong, he’s just too passive. Like in Episode 4 (the first one made.) When they destroy the death star. If I were him the last line of that film would have been
“B*llocks. It took me ages to build that f*cker”
This is just childish ...
If you replace the word "Force" with "pants" then Star wars becomes the funniest film ever made.
"May the pants be with you... always"
"Don't ever underestimate the power of the dark side of the pants"
"I felt a tremor in the pants"
"I find your lack of pants disturbing"
Continue with the review will I ...
It really is quite difficult to do a review without spoiling them movie. Not just star wars, any movie really. The trick is to surround the review with small talk and a touch of humour that way you mask the story line but still produce a great review.
Look what I’ve done. I’ve split this review into several parts and put the end of the review last in this blog. That’s me subtly mimicking the way the star wars films were produced.
Back to business. Rumour has it that the new film (Episode III) was supposed to be released at Christmas. However, there was unfortunate event between Obi Wan and Darth Vadar. Darth Vadar got upset because Obi Wan “felt his presents”
Wey hey
More to follow…..
Review it I will .....
Yep. It’s that time of the year again wear every kid pretends their ruler is a light sabre and every adult tries to impersonate Yoda. Star Wars is back! Move over Mr Jonathon Ross, it’s time for a Toaster review.
So, it’s the sixth film that is actually the third, so although it’s the last one it actually marks the middle of the story and its end is really the beginning of what was a trilogy 20 years ago. No wonder it’s a f*cking 12A. You have to be above 12 to understand the sequence.
Now I was a little pessimistic as I travelled to see this. Although I had hope (A new hope – get it.) Surely it couldn’t be as bad as the first two (meaning Episodes 1 and 2) I mean, come on, what was George Lucas on when he made them. The Phantom Menace?? For a start he wasn’t a phantom and hardly menacing. Although the double sided light sabre was good. Yep should have been called “Episode I – The slight nuisance”
Then we have the sickly “Attack of the Clones” were the scariest attack was that one of “I’m going to be sick” watching Anekin Skywalker ponce about over that princess bird. Just not good enough.
So how did this one fair. Well let me tell you.
I actually wanted to also use this film as an experiment to prove / disprove my last comments about cinema films and kids. So I tool my 8 year old daughter. I won’t give anything away, but there is a point where young Skywalker decides whether or not to continue as a Jedi, or turn to the dark side. Now I’m not going to spoil it by telling you how he decided. Just that it wasn’t by tossing a coin or playing Rock, Paper, Scissors with the Emperor.(Although how cool would that be!) Imagine it...
1...2...3....
[Emperor] "Rock" [Anakin] "Scissors".... "dark side, bugger... best of three ?"
So this decision – some might argue that it is the milestone to fully integrate the two sets of film – when does it happen ?? Right on the bloody 90 minute mark and guess what ! Just at the moment where he is deciding…
“Well Anekin, will you turn to the dark side?” …
“I need a wee before I wet my pants”
Brilliant.
To be continued ....
And to make friday 13th even scarier ...
I forgot to mention. they were a silky satin shiney brown.
uuuurgh
I've got an idea for a job ....
I can review all the films that Jonathan Ross couldn't.
You know, like I-Wobot and Lord of the Wings
Being critical ...
So after I got rave ratings from my last film review blog, I decided to look a bit deeper into being a movie critigue stylee thing. And I reckon that I'm gonna be good at it.
I don't have to limit it to just films, I can broaden my horizons and be critical about the whole move world. (Not just limit my views to a particular movie.) For instance, take the subject of, I dunno ...Kids films. Why are they so long? Marketing - thats why. It's because kids have to go and pee after 90 minutes, miss the vital part of the film and then the parents have to buy the f*cking DVD when it's released.
You take note, next time you are watching a kids film (Pedders - that's one that you don't have to go with your mum and dad to see.) Just after the 90 minute mark, something crucial to the plot will happen. In Harry Potter 3 it was the bit where Buckbeak got killed. You see the axe being wielded, you hear the scream and then "PEE BREAK"!
I spent the next half hour wondering where the F*ck Buckbeaks twin had come from. Or was it in fact a re-telling of that famous story about the carpenters son who rose from the dead. (You know the story. Pinnochio II)
I reckon they should just stop showing kids film on the cinema. It only promotes piracy. Straight to DVD and then pause button can be used on as many pee breaks as necessary. And cinemas full of kids are never quite right. There's an unwritten adult law with regards cinema. Law number one, thou shalt always be one tosser who leaves on his / her mobile phone.
Law number 2 is my favourite. Thoust must rustle your popcorn to cover the noise of your fart and then stare head on at the film knowing in your heart of hearts that its a stinky one. Or is that just me?
Seriously though, cinema farts just linger. I reckon its something to do with the design of the seats. You stand up, they swing upright and the smell's gone (Pity the bloke behind you.) But when you are sat there, it just, well, hangs around. And you daren't look away from the film in case someone is staring at you in a "You've just pumped haven't you" way." And I reckon that’s to do with marketing as well. It’s a way of making you watch the bloody film. It's something they put in the popcorn. All those crap film’s that have reviews of "I was transfixed" and "I daren't look away from the screen." Bollocks. hey just put fart powder in your popcorn.
Friday 13th....
So – how to recover from a so far disappointing evening. I know, lets watch Friday 13th (part 2). Absolute class. Bunch of young geeks at “camp” (the leader of which perfectly illustrated the meaning of “camp” ) and a nutter who supposedly drowned in the lake 5 years ago. Brilliant stuff.
“Come on, lets go paddle in the lake”
“Hang on, let me just wander off into these dark woods for a minute for no particular reason at all” THUD (axe in head)
Flick flick
“how odd, the light has stopped working. And there’s blood on the stairs. I know, I’ll go up them all on my own and take a look around…..SLICE – (throat gets slit)
Just wicked. But the best bit, the BEST bit was not the spree of mass murder as the film approached its end, it was the events that led to it. I don’t want to ruin the film but I just have to describe this.
Leader of “camp” has taken a couple of “campees” to the local town for a few beers. This leaves, coincidently, 3 blokes and 3 girls left at camp for Jason to brutally slash. Being an 80s film, its trying to be a bit naughty. You know, slipping in the odd swear word here and there, the couple who get the spear through both of them while they are “at it” etc. But more was to follow.
There’s this girl and the cripple in the wheel chair “I’m still gonna be a great American footballer” type. Having a chat. She obviously fancies him, after all he is a rugged would-be football star. Not an Andy from Little Britain. (Yeah. I know.)
Subtle as a brick, after a bit of small talk she says “I know you are in a wheel chair but apart from your legs, does everything else still work??”
Good God woman! You couldn’t have been more blatant if you’d have stripped naked and painted “take me now" on your pink parts.
Right – this is the scary bit. This was, for me the scariest bit of the film. It’s not for the feint hearted – I’ll warn you now. I can’t believe they showed this. I still feel sick at the thought of it. Off she goes to her cabin to get “ready” for her wheel chair fella. She’s going through her wardrobe to decide what to wear. Typical woman, always has to make some sort of clothing decision. Bloody hell girl, you are about to get out of them. So, as she roots through her drawer – she lifts out her pants – and for visual effect has to point them at the camera. Then it happened. I did a double take. I went white as a sheet. For me, her night of passion was never going to be – it was to be totally ruined
Her pants were Brown (!)
I want my money back ....
Having read the review from Pedders, and having put up with the constant, “Can we go see, Can we go see” from my girlfriend, I reluctantly went to see “hitchhikers guide to the galaxy” on Friday night.
I must admit, there was a mood of pessimism about me. To coin a phrase “this is going to be a pile of arse” is how I described the film I have never seen as I drove to the cinema.
And how right I was. Should have been called “HitchHikers guide to yet another brilliant story turned into a pile of monkey poop”
Today I'm feeling ...
F*ckity f*ck f*ck f*ckity f*ck f*cked off
There. That’s better.
I fell down the stairs last night ...
I’m putting this on the site as I know none of the people who read this will be cruel enough to laugh at my misfortune.
So last night, I’ve fallen asleep and then woken at 2 am. (ish) So I go to the loo (as you do) and then I need to wash my hands (It’s very important to wash your hands after you use the toilet don’t you know. Especially if, you know, you’ve had to “sit down.” The horrors of thin toilet tissue)
Anyway, for those of you who are wondering, I didn’t have to “sit down.” Nether the less, I washed my hands. As I reached for the towel – oh no, there isn’t one. So I decide to go and get one from the airing cupboard.
It’s pitch black, I’m half asleep and I can’t turn the light on in case I wake up my girlfriend. (I know – how nice am I. AND I put the seat down when I’d finished.)
So I pass my bedroom door and step into the next bedroom. Except I hadn’t walked far enough to reach the next bedroom so what I actually stepped into was the top of the stairs. As my right foot desperately failed to find any floor, my left leg decided to swing across and find the floor that the right foot couldn’t find. The thing about stairs, when you are at the top of them anyway, is that they go down. So my left leg plunged deeper into thin air and the next thing I’m criss crossing all the way down to the bottom.
As I thudded against the front door, I hear the pitter pat of feet upstairs followed by “are you ok?” So I’ve bloody well woken her up anyway !
The moral of that story is don’t be a tosser. I know that’s not a very good moral, but its better than “stay where you are and wet your kex”
click here to recreate!
