What's that all about?: September 2004

Thursday, September 30, 2004

If Pedders was Spiderman ...

As promised, here's a big "Hi" to Spud. (There you go, Internet fame at last)
As for the animation, nice boobs Peds !!
(Well I think I'm funny ... )

One for the ladies ...

So just before I started going out with her, I decide I'm going to invite my (now) girlfriend round for some dinner.
You know what it's like, I'm thinking should I ask her out or not? We're getting on great though, don't want to spoil it. All that load of pants that you spend six months worrying about, then she says "yes" and you realise that you have been on your own for 6 months longer than you needed to be. Or is that just me?

Anway, I'm going to make her a meal. When I told her she says...

Girlfriend: "I've got something to say"
Me: [Uh oh] [Did that come out loud?? No, phew Good. err], "Yes?"
(Notice how I said "errr" in my head - weird.)

Girlfriend: "it's something you need to know and it's important"
Me: "Oh my God. You've been on the bbc web site and United have sold Giggs!"

Girlfriend: Who's Giggs?
Me: [Yorkie are right, it's not for girls] " Carry on"

Girlfriend: I'm errr...
Me: "yes?"

Girlfriend : I'm errr:
Me "YESS??"

Girlfriend : I'm a vegetarian

The challenge is on !!
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So, she's a veggie. Bang goes my Chicken Madras. Maybe that's not a bad thing actually. Tastes great but gives you farts that could melt a lamp post on a street. (Trust me I know. I once got caught out at a pelican crossing once. NOBODY saw the green man flashing that day.)

So what to do? Think. Well, in hope of inspiration I immediately think of all the vegitarian meals I can

Baked Potato
Baked Potato with cheese
Baked Potato with Beans
Cheese on Toast
Beans on Toast
Toast

Hmmm. Not a lot really. I am in a pickle. Pickle! - thats vegetarian !! But I hardly think a jar of pickles will be good enough. (Dunno though, maybe if I get the big ones instead of the little silverskin things.)

All of a sudden.. *FLASH* There it is, that inspiration...

Spaghetti on Toast

*Flash* [Bit of class this]

Spaghett HOOPS on Toast

I'm now thinking, oh dear, I'm in trouble. Well done me, nice one. F*cked this one up haven't you. Every veggie recipe I can think of, not one but TWO flashes of inspiration and I still haven't come up with anything.

I'll get us a kebab. No real meat in that.

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Wednesday, September 29, 2004

If I was a penguin ...

Nuff said

Tribute to Millward ...

So I've lived in Cambridge for, oooh, yonks now. One of the things that's kept me sane is a mate of mine, Paul, who's also from Manchester. We've spent numerous hours teaching Southerners that Lager Top is not a real drink.

Anyway, Paul, the selfish "get" that he is, goes and gets another job! Back up North!! Some might say (bit of Oasis there) that he should be congratulated. But he's cast off all his morals and dignity by getting a job with the bin dippers of Liverpool !! I mean, just look at his new boss...

Scouse Sayings volume #1

"Beer Can Head" - Town south of the river Mersey "
Kinnel" - Statement of shock or surprise

Anyway, after five and a half years, he's left me alone down here for a career involving giros and hub caps. (Actually, it does involve computers, but look at the state of his keyboard)....

Congratulations - you git

Thursday, September 23, 2004

The barbeque (the trilogy is complete) ...

So here it is. The end of the epic barbeque tale. Writing this has been tough. It's brought back many a tear and the occasional feverish twitch, but after a week to re-cooperate, I'm ready to complete the trilogy.

Speaking of trilogies, the new star wars trilogy has just been release on DVD. WRONG!! There are now 5 Star Wars movies so how can it be a trilogy? Eh??
Anyway, right then, deep breath and off we go....

So after 6 shops, 3 hours and more twitches than Stressed Eric, I'm home. Not only am I home, but I've got my HUGE box with my mega barbeque in it. It's still sunny outside and not a cloud in the sky. For you black hearted, malicious readers - no - it didn't rain. Stop trying to make up an ending that never happened... wait for it.

Now I am no fool. I don't expect to empty the box and "boing" up pops a perfectly formed barbeque. I know I'll have to attach the legs (well, base) to the big wok thing and away we go.

No

Three hundred and fifty thousand million trillion of the tiniest screws I have ever seen in my life dropped out of the box. I felt a bit sick. I then looked at the 347 page assembly manual that came with it. I felt faint. And then those immortal words that will haunt me forever, I honestly saw my life flash before me when my dad said, "here, let me help you." There just isn't a God.

Dad: "Do you have a spanner"
Me: ...
[Too many jokes]

So anyway, we set about it. And After 20 minutes I've managed to get the thin wire compression joint (spring) onto the upright curvature of the supporting pedestal (base.) Dad then needs to attach the handle.

Dad: Where's the knob?
Me: ...
[Far too many jokes]

So, half an hour now, and I've done steps 1, 2 and 3 and it's started to take shape. And I'm thinking, this is all going too well, this is all far easier than it should be. And guess what.... I was right
______________________________________________________________

Step 4 kindly tells me that "before I do steps 1, 2 and 3, I must do something else. Who the f*ck do they find to write these things?? The 4th instruction told me to undo the first three instructionss, do the fourth one FIRST and then do the first three after!! (How ironic - the Star Wars movies I mentioned earlier were also written in an out of order sequence. "George Bloody Lucas" must have written these p*ssing instructions.)

Oh and yes, the case of the missing screwdriver. I screw in this, err, screw, and then there's a fiddly bit. So I put the screwdriver down and do the fiddly bit. Then I go and pick up the screwdriver... and it's GONE. Vanished, disappeared, deleted, evaporated and definitely GONE.

I've got 5 more screws to do and I've done so needless to say I'm stressed. It's at this point that people try to "help" and they really shouldn't. The stupid questions and suggestions that people say...

Helpful hint #1: "Think really hard about where you put it"
Me: "There!! I f*cking put it there, right there where that big empty space where my screwdriver used to be is"

Helpful hint #2: "try re-tracing your steps"
Me: What, Drive round Cambridge for 3 hours looking for a barbeque that now doesn't exist because there's only one and it's in bits in my living room!! [twitch] Sh*t. It's back

Helpful hint #3: "I think that you should take a break, calm down and then try again"
Me: "Why?? How is that going to help? Whilst I'm on my break is Paul Daniels going to run in shout "and dats magic" and mysteriously make my screwdriver reappear?? I think Not! (a lot)

Well, I decide that helpful hint #3 is the best of a bad lot. I'll have a cup of tea. Not had one since errrr..... Just before I lost my screwdriver. Unbelievably, I found it.... With the knives, forks and spoons in the drawer..... [too many swear words to print]

I'm excited now, its half past five and I'm nearly done. All I have to do is secure the wind guard and it's complete. Why is it called a wind guard anyway? It's 3 inches high, stands round one half of the barbeque which is then placed in the middle of a garden. Wow! The wind won't get to that!

One thing I didn't mention is that this barbeque has "Air filtration" (!! I know, posh or what.) Basically, it has a bit that turns and covers / uncovers a hole that allows air in / out. My dad pointed out that it was strange having this at the BACK of the barbeque as you would want to control it whilst standing cooking at the front. Off came the top half again while we put it on the right way round. (How unlucky is that? The top is circular yet we still managed to put it on the wrong way round [Twitch])

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This will be my last reference to the star wars movies now. You know that bit where the writing comes up and the main music starts. Just before the bit that says "A long time ago in a galaxy far far away" (How far away is that! Not "far" away, but "far FAR" away! So like, to me Manchester is far away, but "far FAR" away must be like.. Glasgow or something.)

Anyway, just before that bit, the music goes "De de derrrr, de de did de de der derrrr derrrrr!" Well thats what was buzzing in my head as I proudly carried out the barbeque and placed it adoringly in the middle of the garden. Fan-tast-ic !!

So then I get the coal and build the little pyramid, just like it shows on the packet. Out comes the amazing Lighting gel stuff, blob here, blob there. I'm so proud. this is the moment. 3 hours worth of shops, One and a half hours worth of building and it was finally going to happen.

I'm about to light it..

Here we go ..

I reach for the ...

NO MATCHES! No! [Twitch] there must be some somewhere.

It's too incomprehendible to believe but unfortunately true. After four and a half hours of buying and building, not a single bloody match to be seen anywhere. I found an old lighter that had run out of gas (Images of me trying to light the Gel with a spark off an old lighter .) Nope. I was going to have to be more genius than that. Inspiration - the wooden skewers !! I'll light one of those on the cooker.

Just how does the flame know when to go out? Every time I got within 2 feet of the barbeque - "poof! "- gone! Try again. It's here that my sad tale is coming to an end. After several attempts, I got it lit. Time for a beer or five while the coal gets hot.

So my girlfriend gets in from work, a mate pops round for a beer and I'm deleriously explaining the events of the day to them. I'm half way though my rant about the bloke in Asda when - oh no!! I've left the Air Filtration flap open !!

I ran out to the garden and ...

What a shit idea it was to get a barbeque.

Hope for us all ..

So, I'm watching Football last week on Sky. Dynamo Kiev are leading one nil away to Italian side Roma. Swedish Referee, Anders Frisk, has just sent off a Roma player when all hell breaks loose.

Anders: Du yuoo leeke-a my hair ?
Player - Mamma Mia No no no
Anders: it is mooch neece-a thun yuoors
Player: Mamma Mia, is crayyyzy talking
Anders: zeen I em sendeeng yuoo ooffff

So then the fans are throwing things, he gets hit, blood, bit of play acting etc. And it's back to the studio for some analysis. Now people have been critical of the Sky pundits lately. I don't know why, because Glenn Hoddle was on TOP form this night ...

Amazingly analytical pundit quote #1
"Well, they are talking of fining Roma. But how do we know that wasn't a Kiev fan who threw the missile"

[What a nob]

Amazingly analytical pundit quote #2
"Yes, I know Roma have been aggressive. But that's what Spanish football is like"

[Spain ????]

Bring back Saint and Greavsie

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

The barbeque (continued) ...

For those of you new to this, you can't fully appreciate my state of mind at the start of this article. If you have the time, read "the barbeque..." It's a tale of adventure, fight, coal and the distinct lack of tin on legs. Anyway, at the moment, I am clutching the only barbeque in Cambrdge and I'm thinking "Don't let go of it, just get it paid for and get it home. (And strangely, there's this voice whispering "It's myyyy precious" - which was odd.)

Let me take a moment to describe this thing I am carrying. It's in a box. And when I say box, I mean BOX! And on this BOX is a huge sticker saying £35.99. And when I say huge sticker, I mean HUGE sticker. So I lift this BOX onto the counter with it's HUGE sticker facing the checkout bloke. He scans it. "Beep." And says "errr. Is it eight pound?".

Is he taking the P*ss? I'm torn between saying a polite "no, it isn't" or a not quite so polite, "Yes you useless piece of sh*t. That's why there's a HUGE f*cking sticker on it saying £35.99. That's just there for decoration isn''t it you dumb stump."

But I politely say, "no it isn't".

He tries again,

"beep" £.8.00

and again "beep" £8.00,

faster

"beep" £8.00,
"beep", £8.00 (because scanning it more often and faster will obviously make the price suddenly be correct.)

At this point I would gladly pay £800. Really- I just want to go home.

So then he says "can you go and look at the price on another one please." I never realised that I had a twitch. But apparantly I do. Because it started there and then. To make a long story even longer, he calls his supervisor (who looks like he's recently been promted from MacDonalds.)

Supervisor: Sir, can you show me where you got it from?
Me: "This is the only barbeque in Cambridge. I'm not letting go of it. The only way you'll get this off me is shoot me dead and prise it out of my lifeless fingers. [twitch] [twitch]"
Me: ...
Me: [twitch]

Now I am glad to say that he did not take me to an aisle full of barbeques. that just would have been too much to take. So we go to the aisle an I point to the big empty space. He checks all the labels and says that he'll have to do the transaction as it needs to be done manually. I remind him (quite calmly I thought) that I was not letting go of the barbeque [twitch]. So he goes to the checkout, types in something, types in something else and types in something longer. (What he was typing I don't know. there are only numbers on the keyboard) After a quick phonecall I finally hand over my cash card and I've DONE IT !!

That was my world cup moment, that was my Olympic gold medal... at long last, I've bought a f*cking barbeque.

And now I'm off home to build it! ...

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

The barbeque ...

There are times, not many, when you take an idea and MAKE IT HAPPEN. You get a buzz, "what a feeling" an all that. Well I have tried to go one step further. I am trying hard to master that craft that only my manager has consistently managed to do. That is, let someone come up with an idea, watch them make it happen and then take credit for it.

So, the other day, my girlfriend suggests having a barbeque. And I'm thinking, the sun's out, my parents are visiting, I'm off work. Am I gonna make a success of this or what ! Only one snag... I don't have a barbeque. "Twash and Piddle!" A small set back like that is not going to stop me. I'll go out and buy one.

So in the car we get. First stop, that well known BBQ re-seller - Bar Hill Tesco's. Things look promising when I walk in and see 40 cube meters of charcoal briquettes on sale at half price. This is going to be a doddle. But, oh no, they have sold out of barbeques. I asked one of the croneys working there, and he just says (well, sneers) "Summer has finished, we don't sell them after summer. We are getting ready for Christmas."

Well excuse me for missing the blistering hot weekends we have enjoyed over the last 3 months - Not! For F*cks sake! It was September the 1st and they had "sold out." What did they do with them all ? Melt them down? I reckon they take them apart and sell them as 3 legged stools and Woks instead. Not to be deterred, off I went to the next stop. B & Q - an old favourite.

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So we get to B&Q. The only space in the car park is so far away that we have to get a taxi to the entrance. In we go and its a feast of BBQ goodies just begging to be bought. I can't contain myself. Out comes the B&Q store card (only 17.8% APR - not bad) and before I know it I've got tongs, things, wotsits, coal and this brilliant BBQ lighting gel. But can I get a barbeque? Nope! There's a pile of bricks with a "reduced" sign on it. the leaflet said "Build yourself a Barbeque".

Well if I was going to entertain that, I wanted instructions on how THIS one was built. Then I know what not to do. By this point I'm thinking, perhaps I'll let this be my girlfriends idea after all. At that moment, Mum shouts "here's one." Indeed it was. Shiney, gleaming, all the accessories and a f*cking gas one. Nice one. Perhaps we could place little lumps of coal on it and pretend it. Now I'm feeling like a tw*t. I've got coal, tongs, things, wotsits and some brilliant BBQ lighting gel - and still no barbeque.

You won't believe this. Homebase, MFI, Tesco's (posh one up the road from my mate Chris), all sold out of Barbeques. Suddenly, a flash of inspiration... Argos. Praise be to the Gods of retail. As I walked towards the store I hear this funny noise going on. It's a kind of alarm type noise. In fact it's a kind of fire alarm noise. You can imagine my face as I see Argos being evacuated because of a fire alarm. I almost cried.

I'm tired, I've been to five stores and unless the fire alarm is going off because a Barbeque demonstration is taking place, I am NOT amused. (Actually, what would happen if a BBQ store had a fire? Everyone would be looking around going "hey, that one burns brilliantly!" Makes you wonder)

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After a ten minute wait, in we go and look at... no, please no ... the brand NEW autumn/winter catalogue. Does it have a BBQ in it? Does it &^%$. I'm beaten. I can't believe it. The whole of Cambridge and not a coal barbeque to be found. In desperation (or madness - by this time I was feeling quite confused and dribbling badly), I decided to stop in at Asda. I did not get my hopes up as I saw yet another 40 cubic metres of coal going cheap, nor was I surprised by the empty area near wher the barbeques used to be. But then, could it be? More unlikely than Dale Winton announcing is heterosexual love for J Lo at the same time that all 6 of my numbers come up, there it was.

The only barbeque in Cambridge and it's mine. All mine god damn you. I was tearful when I went to pay for it. But that tale is for another day....

Indigestion makes you moody

It has been scientifically proven that indigestion makes you moody. We performed a test on a Northern Grandad this week. The test was basically

i. Place dinner in front of Grandad
ii. Watch him shovel it down
iii. Wait 5 minutes.

And there it was. The "Miserable arse" gene that we all let out from time to time was there in all its glory.

Gone was the picture of happiness one usually sees when this Grandad is flicking through the 999 Sky Channels with his remote control glued to his hand.
Gone was that shine in his eyes as he finds some crap Sci Fi programme, or better still, a documentary on a steam train.
Gone was the skip in his walk as he explores a preserved Anglo Saxon site.

You can tell when the "miserable arse" gene is vibrant. Every sentence starts with "oh" and ends up as a question

"Oh you are are you?"
"Oh, that's good is it?"
"Oh, you do, do you?"
"Oh, you think so do you?"

Anyway, I have a picture of him smiling ... or is it wind?

Monday, September 13, 2004

Doctors

There is another job, (other than I.T. support) that everyone is good at - Being a Doctor. Six years of University and medical school doesn't amount to anything more than being able to diagnose a problem wearing a white coat. (and if you are very experienced, you get different coloured pens to put in your pocket.)

Recent experience has told me that everyone's a bloody pharmaceutical genius ! I hurt my back the other day. Genius Doctor Dad told me "Don't be soft, it'll all go away. Suck on a Strepsil if you can't manage" One week later I find out I have a badly bruised / fractured coccyx. (It's alright dad, the nice man in the white coat gave me some extra strong strepsils.)

Don't get me wrong, it's not just my dad that think they are Doctors. We ALL do it. My daughter, she fell and banged her knee. I patted it better and said "there there, it'll be ok now"
HOW exactly was that going to make it ok? I don't know, but I believed it - but so did she (ok - she's 7, so I should know better.) Anyway, I was much better than the so called experts.

Here's an extract from my visit to the Doctors ..

Me: "I've hurt my back. It's really painfull"
Doc: "Where?"
Me: "in the city centre"
Doc "No - where on your back does it hurt"
Me: here [point]
Doc: Here ? [PROD]
Me: Arrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeooooooooooowwwwwwwwww
Doc: Oh. that must be painful

F*cking genius!

Mum and Dad Support

You have to ask youself, how did technical support teams ever come about? Who was the first person to ring up someone else and ask them to help with their computer. It would mean 2 people having a computer for a start. Of course, we also need to assume that the person receiving the call knows more than the person making the call. (Believe me, not always true. You should see our Support team. I've seen more technical expertise in Chester Zoo's chimp area)

These days, it seems there is a job in I.T. support for just about anyone. And do you know why ? It's because we are ALL doing it. We have all been unknowlingly trained in the ways of support by none other than Mums and Dads. Typically ...

Phone: Ring Ring
Me: "Hello"
Mum: "Hello son, my computer is not working"
Me: "Is it plugged in?
Mum: "I'll bloody kill your dad. I keep telling him not to ......."

Honestly, parents, it's not difficult. Builders have learnt not to build the roof until the walls are done, gardeners have learnt to lay a lawn "green side up." If you're going to get a computer, 2 rules...

1) Plug it in
2) Unplug it and plug it back in - the fix of many a problem

What's that all about?