In my interviews for a sidekick, I naturally did some research on the said candidates. Well I am shocked, mortified and horrified. I went onto the BBC web site after reading the CV of one candidate neamed Ed. (Second name "the Duck")
I entered his name in the search box, and well ... look at the top result. No wonder he's been quiet.... sick!
Click here to see the BBC search result
posted by Toaster @ 4:12 AM
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Morning all! Hello.. hello.. is this thing on? Anyway. Welcome to an Audience with Toaster ! In the previous blog, you have the chance to ask me your questions. I'll use this space to answer them in the order they come in...
Here we go ....
PinkSpaghetti asks...
So Toaster, why are you called singular?
It's a reference to me being unique. Believe me I've checked. And there is definately only one of me.
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Ped asks...
Do you believe in luck ?
Yeah!
Luck Skywalker rocks! The way he defeated that big black dude (not MR T, that was Rocky.)
oh.. sorry you mean "luck." That's actually a good question and I decided to walk under a ladder and make a black cat walk accross my path while thinking about it. It wasn't the tripping over the cat that was unlucky, nor was it knocking my head against the ladder as I performed the afore mentioned trip.
No - it was the big fat bastard window cleaner that fell and landed on me. And as he gets up he says "lucky for me you were there"
Git
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Ped asks...
Imagine a situation where you are driving your new car and some dizzy cow taps your bumper - you jump out and get ready to tear off a strip, however this lady is bootylicious - does this change how you react ?
It actually happened to me the other day. (Funny when you get a tricky question how something very similar has always happened to you recently.) Until this incident I always believed that "accidents happen" and you shoud not change your reaction regardless of the individual.
Anyhow, I had just stopped at some lights when it happens. Not a thud, but definately a "bump." And I'm thinking, "I've had a shit car for god knows how long and as soon as I get a new one, some t*sser has pranged it". And I'm also thinking "I'm gonna tear off a strip" (See - I told you that something VERY simlar had happened recently.)
So I get out of the car and you won't believe it. Well... my heart melted like butter in a, errrr hot pan. Out she steps out of the driver side. You won't believe it. none other than the gorgeous Janet Street Porter!
And as if that weren't enough, incredibly, (all my dreams had come true)... Emily Bishop was in the passenger seat !! There is a God.
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Ped asks...
Given you are the only man who can save the earth, you have a choice - Emily Bishop or Janet Street Porter. The earth depends on you - who would you do ?
How did you know?
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PJ asks...
Given you are the only man who can save the earth, you have a choice - Archbishop Desmond Tutu or Pedders. The earth depends on you - who would you do ?
First of all, lets assume that Pedders is free and single. I would not like to have to fight my way through his boyfriends to get at him.
Dezza is a dude. He's like a cuddly Trevor MacDonald. And as a man of the cloth I'd ask him to get down and pray with me. "Dear God, please can you suddenly make some young buxom ladies appear so that we can save this earth of ours. All should be capable of becoming fine childbearing honies, who shall meet our needs and desires and make us all precisous brews when we need one."
And God would say "My sons, although I am great, thou asks for too materialistic things. tt would take great faith for me to reward you with such a magnificent thing. Whilst the archbishop - all right Dez! has shown his true faith, the sins of Pedders make me shudder"
So I would pray "In that case, please make Pedders handsome as if I am to try and save mankind in this sinful way, we at least need to populate the earth with decent looking children.
And god would say "How many ladies did you want?"
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Ped asks...
If you know something is wrong and you've stood by and ignored it and watched it get worse what should you do?
Blame somebody else. A small child perhaps. Or an animal. I'm good at this and could go on for hours. Like when I accidently spilt some paint on the carpet. I thought "uh oh" I'd better try and clean it up. Magically, the paint remover managed to spread paint everywhere and the only thing it removed was the colour from the carpet.
Solution: 1. Bring in the 7 year old muppet, plant a paint brush carefully in one hand.
2. Pick up cat and dip in bucket
3. Chase cat around living room
"Honey... look what the muppet and the cat have done!"
Genius. plan with no draw backs - or so I thought. I did save some money by stopping the muppets spends for the paint incident (the secret to my success, don't do half a lie - go the whole hog.) But now the paints dried on the cats paws, the f*cking noise it makes!! Perhaps I can get on Channel 5 's talent show. "Toaster and his tap dancing cat."
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Ped asks...
Johnny Ball wants to do an experiment on live TV with you and your anus. He picks you out from the TV audience - how do you handle this situation ? (btw - Johnny Ball is your hero)
I'd close my eyes and "think of a number"
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Ped asks...
What can you do about celebrities using your parking space and susbequently making you late? (I was late this morning because Les Dennis had popped to the shop next to work for a cheese and ham toastie.)
I couldn't stop laughing when I read this. Poor, poor Pedders. He thinks Les Dennis is a celebrity. Surprised he didn't stop you and say...
Les: "We asked 100 people who their favourite celebrities were. To play big money and have a chance for the car....
Peds: Errr, errr, "Les Dennis !"
The Board: " X " (derr, derrrrr) Click Here
Never mind pedders, if they ever release "Family Misfortunes" you'll be in with half a chance. the following are a selection of real answers given to Les ...
A popular TV soap: "Dove.."
A sign of the Zodiac: "April.."
Something that floats in the bath: "Water.."
A famous cowboy: "Buck Rogers.."
Something that's nice to wear next to your skin: "Pants"
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PJ said...
Many celebrities have a celebrity sidekick, for example, Dame Edna Everage had Madge, Roland Rat had Kevin the Gerbil, Philip Scofield had Gordon the Gopher,Gazza had Jimmy 5 Bellies, Chris Evans had Danny Baker; my question is who are you going to choose as your celebrity sidekick and why?
It's funny you should ask that as I've actually been interviewing for the position. The sidekick is to be called "Plug" (After all, every Toaster needs a plug.) Of course, initial interest was shown by ex-sidekicks and some has-beens. Here's a selection from the interview I held
Toaster's Question: "Why do you want to be my sidekick?"
Candidates :
Chesney: "You are the one and only"
Penfold: "crikey chief"
Cuddles the Monkey "Because I've never been the main one. I hate that duck"
Ed the duck: "Quack"
Sweep: "Zzz zzz zzz zzz zz"
H from Steps: "I love you"
Anyway, for comedy value, someone to laugh at as well as with, it has to be Dougal ...
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Ped asks...
You wouldn't believe it would you -after the last post, guess who was parked there this morning? Joe Pesci. I said Joe , isn't it funny that a hollywood actor is in my parking space. He said 'funny how? I'm a clown I amuse you, I make you laugh I'm here to f*ckin amuse you?'. My question is - how can you handle aggressive people who are clearly in the wrong ?
You need to lighten the situation and above all be truthful. Remeber, the bigger they are... the harder they hit you. Do a Harry Enfield Stylee to difuse the situation then politely give them your real name and invite them to come to your house and resolve the situation.
Like the other day, would you believe it, I go and tread on the toe of none other than Robert De Niro. And he goes.. "Did yous tread on my toe? huh ? you tread on my f*cking toe? huh? Whatcha got kid? huh huh ? You weant a piece o me go ahead.. or shall I send my mate Joe to steal your parking spot? Huh?"
And I go "Listen you funnying mother funny. There's no need to funnying talk to me like that you miserable funny. My names Pedders and I live in Hyde.
Still no sign of Joe...... oh.
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Ped asks...
Just had an idea (no applause please) - as you are a guru type knowledgable question answering type of guy, there is something I need to know and it is very important. I'm not sure where I can find this information so I will ask you. Can you give me a top ten of funny p*rn film names ?
Apologies for the delayed answer, but I've been away. I actually went to Germany to errrr "research" your question. (At least that's what I said to HM customs.) Anyhow, you filthy animal, I was shocked to discover that you star in most of them ! "Pedders plays Pedro" All 10 Volumes. Interesting suit they made you wear. Also, interesting position you adopt ...
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Ped asks...
dammit - I thought not having them released in England would leave me anonymous. I've moved on now, I dont wear the suit anymore and have a staring role in 'Rear and present danger', erm, not really, no honest.Anyway - a question for you. Its been december for only a matter of days and already I've had more than enough of the same christmas tunes played over and over in every shop I go to, other than wearing headphones - how can I avoid this or get them to change the music ?
It's a case of "if you can't beat 'em, do their head in." There are two methods to apply. The first is to sing the song in question really REALLY loudly while you are walking around the said shop. And in between Each line, shout "I Wuv Chwistmas"
You'll either be ejected or they'll change the tune.
"Snow is Falling,....All around us" (I Wuv Chwistmas!!)
"Chlidren playing.... having fun" (I Wuv Chwistmas!!)
or, the other way, and a personal favourite of mine is (again loudly) sing the words to a different Christmas song. So to the tune of Shakey
"Christmas time Mist.... El toe and wine"
"Children singing .... Christyan rhyme "
posted by Toaster @ 1:40 AM
7 comments
I've had a couple of days off blogging. And in my quest to get my own TV show, I've decided to do what other celebs do. So here it is, my "Audience with" show..
You ask the question, I'll do my best to answer it. I'm looking forward to some good thought provoking questions as well as the slightly rude ones I am bound to get from Pedders
This could get very interesting ....
posted by Toaster @ 6:16 AM
6 comments
First of all,Big "Hello" to Mr Jonny Burns. 21 tomorrow so he will be in the pub and rat-arsed by 1pm. (He's one of the better southerners - he doesn't drink lager top)
Anway, we are in the pub and we're discussing kitchens. For those of you who don't know, I have been building a new kitchen for what seems the last 5oo years. And now I'm going to have to put a floor down.
"Get Lino" says "I'm an expert at putting floors down" Jonny. Dead easy and you can wipe up dropped sh*t. (And I'm thinking, how exactly do you drop sh*t? Oh - he has a dog.)
Anyway, no no no. I am going to put down laminate flooring - "tile effect" (Pretty impressive I know.) And this is going to be a doddle, because its "easy to click together" stuff and it'll be done in no time.....
errrr No.
Sideways on, no problem, getting it to join up lengthways ?? Complete arse. 5 hours! And again, the instructions are complete crap. I get to this tricky bit where I have to negotiate the floor in part being gainst the wall, and the rest around a corner. There is BOUND to be some hints and tips, BOUND to be. I look up the instructions and there is the title
"Fitting glooring that has to go against the wall AND round a corner" (Lucky that.) And it says ...
"Cut floor to fit"
%&*&%* IT! I'm off to B&Q to get some Lino.
posted by Toaster @ 1:01 PM
1 comments
Get this. I've got a whole new set of cupboards complete with brand spanking new clean work top. And having had the wall plastered, they are still brand spanking new and clean. And having plastered the celing, they are STILL brand spanking new and clean.
Enter me...
Why is it when you really try to succeed and do a good job, this "Numb nut" brain cell wakes up and convinces you that a really bad idea is actually ok? (People who have learnt to use this part of the brain on a permanent basis are known as "IT support")
So I have this bit of floor to cut and I suddenly think, "just rest it on the work top - it'll be fine."
So I do, and I'm being so extra careful that I put down some plastic to "protect the work top." After a successfull cut I turn around and when I look back, I see the plastic has slipped and I have just scraped a huge chunk off the worktop.
Brilliant! Thanks a lot. Bring in F*ckwit brain cell to finish off the job completely. That's the brain cell that kicks in when you start to panic about the disaster that the "numb nut" brain cell has just caused.
And It's whispering to me "Colour it in with Crayon, nobody will ever notice....."
Thirdly, the "blind optimism" cell kicked in. It convinced me that the work of the f*ckwit cell was so good that it really didn't "look that bad."
Finally, reality kicks in. I'm so dead.
posted by Toaster @ 5:04 AM
1 comments
I don't mean "yeah" as in "yeah groovy baby" I mean it as in a dull, drawn out can't be arsed "yeah" And that's the response I've been getting in any conversation with my 7 going on 30 year old daughter. For the purposes of this publication, she can be called Muppet.
Me: Hiya. You alright?
Muppet: Yeah
Me: School ok?
Muppet: Yeah
Me: Did you do PE?
Muppet: Yeah
Me: Did you like it?
Muppet: Yeah
And I'm thinking, I'll Try this. The next thing she asks I'm going to just do what she does. Here goes...
Muppet: Dad
Me: Yeah? (Good start)
Muppet: Can I have an X-box for Christmas
Bugger.
posted by Toaster @ 8:08 AM
0 comments
It used to be so simple. I'd flick through the sky menu missing out the "kids" section to get to MTV. 1... 2... 3...4...5.7...8... But last year (at the age of six) the shout of "Oy you missed number 6" began bellowing accross the living room.
I now face the torment of knowing that everytime I go to the kicthen, bathroom, wherever, that the Kids channel will be on when I get back. And every time, its scooby f*cking doo. So I'm watching it on Sunday. There's an alien ant terrorising some old ladys farm when Mr. Real Estate turns up saying "I'll buy the farm off you" and my daughter goes "I reckon it's him"
Brilliant. It's only taken her 7 years but now she's twigged once, the magic of scooby doo will be gone for good. No more will I have to put up with 6 hours of it on a Sunday. (I tried sending her to the kicthen so I could change channel but she took the remote control with her.)
Lets face it, any programme with plot lines so lame that a 7 year old can get it needs to be banned and the script writer shot. I reckon it's criminal that they got away with it for years. 10 minutes of exactly the same cartoon (Yikes, Raggy.. Run) and then a 5 minute summing up explaining it all.
Thelma: hmmm. I did get suspicious when the ant jumped out of the window and I found a scrap of green glowing cloth on the window sill, and that the window sill was over looking a big bush and then Mr real Estate steps out from behind the bush saying that he was watering it even though it was raining. Hmmmm..
Pile of arse.
posted by Toaster @ 7:52 AM
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Let's face it, we all hate tourists....
posted by Toaster @ 11:00 AM
2 comments
