Don't lose your head ...

And I'm thinking, "never seen Paul Daniels do this." Now THAT's magic ! ...

posted by Toaster @ 1:50 PM 1 comments

Mobile phones....

Happens all the time. Two people have a conversation over their mobile phone, and one has a poor signal. So then the other person goes ...

"Hello, hel, Hello, no, you, you,re you're breaking up. DID YOU HEAR ME I SAID YOUR BREAKING UP!"

And some people are thinking "That's not a nice way to dump someone" and I'm thinking "Why are you shouting?" Not only are you shouting but you are also stuttering down the phone to make it sound like YOU are breaking up too.

But shoutings always the answer isn't it.

"Hello? What? You can hear me perfectly well but I'm struggling to hear you. Well I'll start talking louder then. IS THAT BETTER?"

Ejit

posted by Toaster @ 3:21 AM 0 comments

Ruud not to ....

So I moved down to Cambridge and the Gooners down here are like "You can be a real Man United fan now. You don't live in Manchester"

Well then. Since when has Cambridge been part of London village you f*cking gooner Yonners?!?!

Anyway, last night was MY night. Oh yes. Off to the pub wearing 2 shirts. Get this ..

Me:Pint please. Not with a top - there's no such thing
Gooner: You can take that shirt off! Scum
Me: Oo err. What take off my United shirt?
Gooner: Yeah. throw it up the apple and pears.
Me: Ok then.
[off comes shirt number 1 revealing shirt number 2]
Me: There you go
Gooner: B*llocks.

Strangely enough, he then develops Arsene Whinger syndrome claiming it was never a penalty, Rio should have been sent off and lots of "fack fack fack fack" (I think thats a southern swearword.)

Quality

posted by Toaster @ 2:15 AM 0 comments

Check this out ...

Adrian Mole only managed a "rejection letter" from the BBC. I get published! (oh yes). It was pre Man Utd v Arsenal.

Let's see what else he has to say

Click here to see Toasters comments on the BBC !

posted by Toaster @ 1:56 AM 0 comments

A mystery to me ....

I need to call upon all your investigative minds and cunning intellect to help me solve a mystery. I might even have to give Inspector Pedders of the yard a call (famously known for not solving the case of the "bum me" graffiti etched on his car) The thing is, I've recently made some slightly derogatory remarks abut my ex-colleague, Millward. All of a sudden, there's somebody with a name of "ImprovedToaster" having a go at me by leaving rude comments.

I checked out this guy. He's got an empty blog named "Death to Singular Toaster" Apart from that, I have absolutely no idea who this could be. "Millward!" I hear you say. What a good Idea !!

"Millward - if you are reading this.... Do you have any idea who this guy could be?"

posted by Toaster @ 8:09 AM 3 comments

Explaining my last comment ...

So I'm sitting at my shit desk doung my shit job feeling a tad shit, when I get an email from Millward. Nice one ! It's nice to see that after 6 years of working with him he hasn't forgotton to keep in touch.

Speaking of that. Why is it that when ever you meet someone for more than 5 minutes you "promise to keep in touch." Why? You go on holiday, say hello to someone at the bar and all of a sudden there sending you f*cking Christmas cards. (And what's worse is they are the Christmas cards that show oooh, a candle. You know the one. The one in the bumper value pack of 50 that you only send to people you don't like.)

And yes, I admit it. Instead of NOT sending cards to people I don't like, I send them the shit ones. Which means that if you haven't had a card from me, you might be ok. And if you have and it's crap, and you're reading this, well, I don't like you. (Pedders, why are you crying?)

Anyway, so I open this email and the first line read "Thought i'd cheer you up". The second line says "My job is considerably better than yoaows." He's getting a card with a candle on it now.

Like I said - he's a tw*t

posted by Toaster @ 4:39 AM 0 comments

Millward is a ....

Tw*t

Nuff said

posted by Toaster @ 4:36 AM 1 comments

One for the ladies (continued) ....

So then where was I. Quick re-cap. I'm trying to impress my (now) girlfriend by cooking her a meal when it all goes balls up because I find out she's a veggie.

By total fluke, astonishing luck or divine inspiration someone has sent me (by e-mail of all things) the "complete Jamie Oliver guide to cooking" Hell, if that arse can produce a whole book of meals, then I'm in with half a chance of making one of them. So I eagerly go to the vegetarian section. First one. "Gratin of Butternut Squash"

The instructions read

1. First of all, make sure yer 'ave all them luvly ingredients picked from sainsburys.. err or any uvver well known supermarket. Cor blimey thats lubbly

2. Neyxt, you wanna add a bit of shazzam innit. Whack it in the pot, little frizzle, apple and pear it like a right touch. Wot a geezer.

3. Chargriddle the saucy,don't be rude now, hows ya father until its a treat. Cor my old man would be shakin his jewlry narr. Pukka.

4. Whack it in the tin, on the mark get set go, and leave. Drop a brandy, right touch. Phone me old gran. Alwight gran. Laaaarrrvly.

And now I'm reading Ken Homs Hot Wok, the untranslated version. And it still making more sense. Cockney git.

posted by Toaster @ 2:44 AM 1 comments

Addictive or annoying?

You decide....

Click here

posted by Toaster @ 8:37 AM 0 comments

It's all wrong ...

Last friday I discovered why certain food chains use the phrase "Drive Thru." (can't give you the name in case I get sued.) It's because "Thru" means sit and wait in a f*cking queue for 20 mins, get to a window, order some food and then get told "that'll be a few minutes can you go and wait in bay 2 please"

What ??!!??

I wouldn't mind if I was orderering something slightly unusual like Hot deep fried Hippo B*llocks (I've tried them - not nice.) No - I was only orderering a, err, damn libel.... "Big Mick" [see how cunning I have been in disguising the name.]

So picture the scene and sympathise ...

Spotty gimp: "Good mawning. Ow are ya"
Me: "Hungry... and it's afternoon not morning"
Spotty Gimp "What can I getcha? What can I fetcha from the Retcha?"
Me: "Retcha ??"
Spotty Gimp "Yeah, couldn't think of anything to rhyme with restaurant"
Me: I'll have a Big mick please [done it again]
Spotty Gimp "Can I get you anything else?"
Me: "No just a Big Mick"
Spotty Gimp: "no I meant anything else instead of one of those."
Me: "NO .. just a Big Mick!
Spotty Gimp: Please can you go and park in bay 2 - that'll be just a few minutes

Genius. I wait for 5 minutes, he brings it over and I'm thinking "perhaps this is not going to be too bad. At least it'll be freshly cooked. Wrong !!!
Colder than a penguins arse. Words weren't enough. I just stared at him.

Spotty Gimp "Sorry about that. today's my last day. I'm off to be a supervisor at Asda"

Me: [Twitch]

posted by Toaster @ 7:56 AM 1 comments

Raffles....

Aren't raffles rubbish. I mean, come one. Usually they are formed for charity. Charities don't have any money and so the prizes are donated. "Donated" is only one short step away from "given away" and things that are "given away" are either broken or "not wanted"

Despite this, there are always some prizes that are positively more sh*t than others. I'm in the pub the other day and its the mens darts finals awards. And guess what... they're having a raffle.
They picked a really naff way of doing it as well. Basically, if your ticket got drawn, you could pick a prize. So that means all the less sh*t prizes go first. (It's therefore not a case of "what number" you have it's "when" it is drawn.) And these prizes are not just sh*t. They are SHIT. So shit in fact, that as a joke, I nicked the pub's jar of pickles and put them amongst the prizes, and they were not the last thing to be picked !!

And amongst the shit prizes (and this is not a lie) was "Coronation Street - the feature length Special. " And my God that was Special! A "never to be seen on tv" feature (screened on TV a couple of years ago) starring Curly, Raquel, Mavis, Rita and Alec.

My mate won that. I nearly wet myself laughing when he opened it and a little card fell it saying "Merry Christmas Nanna, Love Peter"

Anyway, I'm not paying attention any more (after all, the pickles had already gone) when suddenly I hear... "Toaster - you've won!!"

I can't believe it. I've never won anything, not even something shit! And in many ways, I still haven't ...




The only thing I've ever won and it's worse than nothing.

Life can be cruel sometimes.

posted by Toaster @ 8:00 AM 0 comments

More hope for us all ....

So, it's England vs Azerbaijan (Aint that a prison in the Harry Potter books?) and again I'm in for a night of the giggles. Not the nice, satisfied giggle one would get from watching Red Dwarf.. no.. the inane giggle that only exists as a replacement to dribble.

Again, Glen hoddle's keen intellect as he makes refence to England not being used to playing in such conditions. (It's f*cking raining man !! and half the team are from Manchester!)

The best bit though - the bit that did it for me was the advertising. I'm remembering at the start of the season that they changed the "man of the match" bottle of Champers to be "non alcoholic" to try and cause a seperation between footballers and drink. Personally I'd have just made reference to Tony Adams. He never won man of the match cos he was shite but HE still enjoyed a drop or 2. (Replace "drop" with "bottle" and "2" with "20")

Anyway, the adverts are those annoying changing electronic boards. They're flicking between UK and Azerbyganic (whatever) and it goes like ..

"Investors in people"
"Pepletic investikat" ...
"Fifa Football 2005"
"Fifa Futbol 2005" ....

and then ...

"BARGAIN BOOZE"
"BARGAIN BOOZE"

Brilliant !

posted by Toaster @ 7:44 AM 0 comments

Trying to be funny ...

First of all, I'm going to say hello to some of my foreign friends in their native language (to try and make them feel at home.) Here goes ... [ahem]

"G'day Nick"

Impressive eh? Actually, he's alright for an Ozzie (and amazingly, he had never tried Foster until he came to the UK. )

On to more important things, Dad's just aint that funny. You'll remember my post about the miserable arse gene. Well get this, I get a call from my parents last night. I'm full of a cold so the conversation goes like

Mum: "How are you?"
Me: "Dot too gud adually. I hav a bad code.
Mum: "ooooh dear So, how you feeling?.
Me: "Dot too gud adually. I hav a bad code. (!)
Mum: "not too good then?"
Me: [twitch]

Needless to say, I'm not very talkative nor my usually bright cheery self. So last night, I get this message on my voicemail.

"Hi I'm calling from the NHS. We hear there's been an outbreak opf the misery arse gene and have a package a strepsils to be shipped immediately."

Suspiciously, the "man from NHS" sounds like my dad. Well, I think the following picture adequately describes my feelings to this attempt at wit.

"Oh father"

posted by Toaster @ 2:42 AM 0 comments

Speaking of Statistics ...

Apparantly, this is true. If you sit down to watch the National Lottery show on Saturday evening, you have more chance of dying of a heart attack during the show, than you do have of winning the jackpot.

Blimey! As if watching Philip Scholefield or Dale ("our Dale" as Pedders says) wasn't bad enough already. Imagine it though. You're watching the 49ers (ahem, arrarantly that's what they are called), and in the back of your mind there's this voice shouting "come on, come onnn... number 38 please be 38" and the other voice saying, "you've got more chance of dying and you're watching crap tv for the privillage."

Actually, wouldn't it be just bloody typical if ...

Voice of the balls: "and the final number in this weeks four week rollover jackpot is.."
Me: "Come onnn, come onnnn, number 38, pleeeease"
Voice of the balls: Number 38 !!
Me: "I've Won, I've WON, I've uurggh. arrrgh, .......

Coroners note: Stress induced heart attack probably caused by realisation of lottery win

Gutted !

posted by Toaster @ 5:31 AM 0 comments

Now THIS, is amazing ...

TOASTER's Badger Test

Badger Button

Click on the Badger Button.
Find out if you are a badger.

So far test have proved 100% accurate!

posted by Toaster @ 4:39 AM 1 comments

I have a fan base...

And now I'm feeling particularly honoured. I've had messages posted by people I don't know. (No offence Ped, your comments are always welcome.)I've also noticed links from other peoples' blogs. Yeah!

I'm also thinking if there's money to be made out of this. Until I do, you lucky buggers get to laugh at my life experiences for free. It's got to be worth more than my current wage, and if not it's definitely a damn site funnier.

Actually, I'm thinking of becoming an optician. What I'd do is put a sign on my shop saying something original like "Toaster the Optician". [Shop?? Do opticians have shops?]

Anyway, what I'd do is make the writing on the sign a bit small. Then, if I caught anyone squinting trying to read it, I'd run out, grab 'em and make £150 by selling them designer Specs. (Now that my mate's gone to Liverpool, getting hold of knocked off designer specs is going to be a doddle.)

You never know, it might work out. Send me a comment if the only thing you can read is this big writing.

Subtle or what ! ;)

posted by Toaster @ 5:09 PM 0 comments

Indigestion strikes again ...

I hate being right I really do, but I'm so good at it. Get this. My brother wants to buy an exercise bike. Fair enough, one would have thought.

Nope!

The "Miserable Arse gene" is out again !! And this must be a particular bad case of indisgestion, as the questions were, well, see for yourself ....

"Oh you want one of those do you?"
"Oh, and where will we put this then?"
[Up your arse]
"Oh, and what do you want one of those for?"
[Skateboarding]

Send him to the man in the white coat for a strepsil!

posted by Toaster @ 6:15 AM 0 comments

Apology to Pedders ....

I spose I'd better say sorry for inferring that Pedders was a girl. I'm sending him this link to make up for it. Crank up the sound and enjoy ....

click here

posted by Toaster @ 4:19 AM 1 comments