I'm off to toaster in some other country for a week. I'll be back sometime the following week so if you like, keep your questions coming. if you can't be arsed, then read some of my previous posts. They still make me laugh.
And don't despair, I'll soon be back with more wit, more comedy and more taking the p*ss out of Pedro (bless him)
See ya
TOASTER
posted by Toaster @ 8:12 AM
0 comments
Question from Ped
My question is - as you've removed scouseville and part of wales where would you relocate the people - and as they're dead clever and funny wouldn't they all head to oxbridge?
I've thought about this. The welsh part of the solution is simple. They are mostly sheep. As winter is coming up tehre will be a rise in demand for jumpers and I reckon the traditional Christmas bird should be lamb anyway.
And no part of the country is going to willingly welcome -en-mass, a bunch of pikey bin dippers. So what we have to do is filter them throughout the comunnity. "Thin them out" so to speak. The concept of "job" will be new to most of them but we can give them "jobs" that benefit both us and them.
So if you ever lock your keys in the car .. never fear... Mickey mouser the honest scouser will sort you out. ! small screw driver and a wirecoathanger later and the door of your car will be open - scratch free.
Need new hub caps? Bob "Avoid the Bizzies" Maresey can you get you nearly new ones for a pint and 20 B&H
As for the rest of them, it seems you end up being a pundit on BBC sport.
"Dem liverpool like, dey play good footbal don't dey"
"Dey doo"
"Dey do doh don't dey don't"
posted by Toaster @ 5:52 AM
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Question from Ped:
Even though the ashes have been won - does this excuse it for being a toffee nosed crap boring game? (not a sport)
I’m not afraid to say it. I jumped on the Ashes band wagon. I have an Aussie mate (G’day Nick) so beating Australia was the dogs b*llocks.
And all this “I don’t like cricket – it’s not a sport” from Pedders is a load of rubbish. He’s lying so much his pants are on fire. Rumour has it that he was recently spotted at a locall cricket game. I investigated this …
posted by Toaster @ 5:40 AM
1 comments
Question from Ped:
If you were a weatherman (not unlike John Kettley) and you knew there was a hurricane coming bigger than Katrina, but you could somehow direct it to either Liverpool or Newcastle - which one would you choose and why?
Doesn’t John Kettley look suspiciously scouse. Hmmmm.
Look...
A terrible thing. Comlpete loss of control by the police. robbery, looting, sewage, burnt out cars. I reckon that a big hurricane might clean Liverpool up a bit actually.
There’s no competition really. Newcastle is so far up there it’s practically Scotland so best ignored. I heard that they are dropping the “United” from the name of their football team and replacing it with “Nil” That’ll make “Final Result” much easier on Grandstand.
So the winner is Liverpool. The city with the laxative accent. (it irritates the sh*t out of you.) The City where “pay and display” means that you give the snotty nose kids in safeways car park a quid to “mind your car mister.” The city where the only bloke in a 3 bedroomed semi is a burglar.
I’m on a roll now….
Q: What’s the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night?
A: What you looking at
Also, while I was at it, I thought I’d get rid of North Wales as well.
posted by Toaster @ 3:49 AM
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Question from Ped:
Why does fergie keep playing Roy Keane when he needs a zimmer to get about?
First of all, I'd like to thank Pedro for the very imaginitive question. It must have taken you ages to think that one up. And how am i supposed to answer that really? Well, I phoned Alex himself. Here's the transcript.
[Phone] Ring Ring ....
[Toaster] Hello Alex
[Fergie] Och Aye Toaster. (yep - he knows me)
[Toaster] I've a question from one of my fans; Why ....
[Fergie] I'm no gonneee talk boudit
[toaster] but you haven't heard the ...
[Fergie] i said I'm no gonneee talk boudit so you can Mcprint that in your Mcpapers tomorrow
Oh well straight from the horses mouth and all that...
[Phone] Ring Ring ....
[Toaster] Hello Roy
[Keano] How about ya toaster. So it is, to be sure.
[Toaster] I've a question from one of my fans; Why do you think Fergie keeps playing you?
[Keano] Be Jayzus. For the love of all the little leprechauns.
[Toaster] Is it because you still have that die hard desire to achieve?
[Keano] Tis not. But oi be doing dat.
[Toaster] Is it because your sheer presence on the pitch inspires the youth around you?
[Fergie] Tis not. But oi be doing dat aswell
[Toaster] So go on Roy - what's the secret?
[Keano] Tis cause o'the goal oi scored against Juventus in the nionty noin champions league so it is. So Pedro, you can shove it up your arse.
Blimey !
posted by Toaster @ 5:10 AM
2 comments
From PJ ...
Two questions:1) Where have you been al this time, darkest Peru?2) Do you know where Pedders got his wig from? I think he deserves a full refund.
I think you deserve to know. I've been in hiding. The popularity of my blog meant that I got some unwelcome attention. You know the kind, heavy breathing down the phone, following me around everywhere, standing naked in my garden etc. in the end I had to say "Pedders - enough is enough!!"
Then he started turning up "in disguise." At first he though he could fool me by heavy breathing down the phone whilst wearing his sunglasses. Apparantly now though he's making more of an effort and hence he's donned the wig. I think he got it from Liverpool. "Got" is such a loose word. When I say "got" I mean "acquired" or basically "nicked". So NO refund for you mi laddo.
Looking sharp though isn't he ....
posted by Toaster @ 3:53 AM
2 comments
So it's a year since I started all this and I'm thinking - "I still haven't finished doing all the jobs in the kitchen that I didn't finish while I was writing all this stuff a year ago."
So the other day I go to B&Q and I'm remembering the trouble I had finding a f*cking barbequeue last year. And do you know WHY I am remembering that.
Because the place is FULL of bloody barbequeues. Big ones, small ones, gas ones, coal ones, square ones, round ones, deep ones, wide ones. Every type of barbequeue you could think of. What's happened? This time last year I was told by a smug get of a store assistant that "summer is over" and "we don't have bbqs in our winter stock"
it's becasue I don't want one now - thats what it is. The world is mocking me. Well, I can take it. i don't mind being mocked. I even allow a small contingent of gay people to read my blog. Don't I Pedders.
Anyway, as I'm back and its been a while, lets start the ball rolling with an interview with a difference. You can interview me! It's an open forum, you post your questions here as comments and I'll blummin well answer them....
Away you go, its An Audience with Toaster II ....
posted by Toaster @ 8:01 AM
1 comments
Morning All
It's been a summer of fun and frolics. I've noticed a couple of comments from my huge fan base. Hi Pedders. Hi PJ. (Note to the rest of you. they will be printing this page off as we speak and framing the copy after receiving a big "hello" from the toaster.)
So then, where to begin? Well I could talk about parents, shopping, England and football or England and the Ashes (how good is that.) But what I am going to do is start with a commemorative tale as it has just been over a year since this blog began. Lets recap on a year thats seen the epic tale of the hunt for the barbequeue, Doctor dad, Spiderman "coming out" and the gallery of "I leave work in X days" pictures ...
So I'm in B&Q the other day and ....
[To be continued]....
posted by Toaster @ 1:32 AM
1 comments
